Heart torn –
yet not given
the precious gift of death…
I can only breathe in..and out…
waiting…
Tag Archive: child
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore —
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over —
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
~Langston Hughes
I sometimes wonder why I struggle so much…. some days it seems like every part of my life is a struggle. I struggle to perform perfectly at work, I struggle to “get it right” all the time… no matter whether “IT” is making dinner, cleaning house, serving customers at work, being a supportive friend a good wife… I think I just have all these ideas in my head about what I am supposed to be…about who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to act. Some days I look around and all I see are the things I need to do… I need to organize our house, put away our books, buy/build more bookshelves, clean our carpets, clean our rooms, catch up on all the laundry, work on my crafts for Christmas, finish with our Christmas Gifts…. My thoughts race and race… I think I need a few weeks to just catch up … no distractions… no excuses… no interruptions… 
Thank you so much SwittersB for nominating me for One Lovely Blog Award. You are so kind!
The Rules for the Award are as follows
1. You must thank the person that nominated you
2. You must list the rules and display the award
3. You must list 7 facts about yourself
4. You must nominate 10 others
5. You must display award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you
I cannot tell you how honored and humbled I have been by my readers… It is an amazing feeling to have such love and concern come my way from so many sources… Growing up in a home where kindness and compassion were so rarely displayed I still find myself surprised daily by the kindness shown to me by virtual strangers.
Seven facts about myself:
1. Without my husband’s constant prayer, encouragement and love I would not have dared to write this blog at all – it was because of his insistence that I deserved a space all my own to express my heart and mind that I started on this journey.
2. Photography as a form of art therapy has been one of the most important and effective methods by which my heart has begun to heal.
3. I am a dirt-loving, weed-pulling daylily nursery owner and I spend several hours a week working in my flower beds and welcoming the endless distraction of new blooms, buzzing bees, butterflies and hummingbirds — not to mention the occasional wild baby rabbit who will eye me from under some foliage.
4. I did not play with Legos until my late (very late :)) twenties… now I have 4 Lego sets – 3 of which are scenes from Harry Potter and I would much rather display them in my China Hutch than actual China… I love whimsy and playing games and my husband and I spend many an evening over a board game or playing poker with mini chocolate bars as the currency.
5. I have the widest taste in music of anyone I know… right now my collection contains artists varying from Benedictine Monks (which I am listening to at this moment) to Weird Al, to Creed, System of a Down, Crash Test Dummies, John Anderson, John Denver, Journey, Bon Jovi, Goo Goo Dolls, Rainforest Tribal Chants, Jim Croche, Jewel, Delerious?, Johna33, Michael W Smith…the list goes on…. I think ‘eclectic’ is the operative word here.
6. I am easily distracted… think Dug from the movie UP and his collar that allowed him to “Squirrel!!” talk to people… This is me, although my husband would likely argue my attention span is even shorter…
7. Maggots are my kryptonite… I can handle snakes, spiders, beetles, bugs, all manner of reptiles and amphibians – but if I am encountered by a maggot I cannot handle it…. it’s quite pathetic…but I will hug a snake any day of the week – I have even been bitten by them and know, logically, that they are more dangerous if not treated with proper respect…but this tiny insect larvae will leave me near tears and frozen in terror….
I have been enjoying so many blogs lately…but the blogs I would especially like to nominate are as follows:
Reveling in the Overflowing Grace of God
I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it… Here’s how it goes… In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…
Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.
Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.
Level Three: I take a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.
Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…
Level Five: I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.
Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.
Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.
Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness? I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?
I know no one really like anxiety, but I hate the way I feel right now! My heart is pounding, I am having trouble breathing I cannot think straight… I hate this!!! I want to scream right now. I hate this feeling of fear – terror really. I hate feeling trapped inside my own skin. I hate the swarm of bees buzzing in my chest, the tightness in my lungs, the crawling in my skin the jangling nerves. I hate that I feel so helpless to this feeling. I hate this! I feel crazy and I feel desperate and I would almost do anything to make it go away….
I am struggling today. I feel lost in my own mind and I fear I may go mad if I do not connect with someone. I need desperately to get outside of my own head. It feels dangerous and crowded in here. I do anything, everything to distract myself, to be ok – but none of it is working today. I had this idea in my mind that I would go out to eat after work and sit and sip a nice coffee while I read and was totally at peace with myself and my surroundings… I would get lost in the moment and allow myself to relax in a public setting. I would dine alone with relish at the space – all the room for my own thoughts and ideas and creative urges… I brought along my journal and was READY. I was prepared for great inspiration and deep connecting to my heart. What I actually did was drive between 3 different restaurants in a fit of indecision for about half an hour before deciding to eat at a place I’ve never heard of just because it was getting late and I was verging on panic. So I parked and went inside. It was quiet, only a hand-full of other diners – that is, until I got there. Apparently the dinner rush came right behind me and the place transformed from a quiet haven to a bustling noisy nerve-jangling room full of voices and smells of food and bodies. Now, I know the place was not as full as my mind was making it out to be – but in my anxiety-filled state of mind it felt like a crowd pressing upon me… so no peace. I ate fast and got out of there. Next I figured I could at least go to the nearest coffee shop and pull up a chair and be politely ignored while I read or journal. I arrived at Starbucks (not exactly what I had in mind but I’m still learning my way around this town) and ordered with confidence and sat at a tall table in the tiny coffee shop. I read a chapter of my book (although, in retrospect, I cannot tell you what I read) and sipped my mocha. I made myself read slowly and to sip my drink with apparent relish… but I was not fooling myself. My heart raced, my palms were sweaty and I was hyper aware of every person in the room and through the corner of my eye kept tabs on the people around me. Will I ever get beyond this need to look over my shoulder? Will I ever not feel his eyes on me? Will I ever stop listening for his footsteps coming up behind me? Will I ever forget the feel of his rough hands, stubbled chin…the smell of his after-shave? Will I ever purge myself of this man? Will I ever be able to stay in the moment without escaping into the nearest distraction? Will I ever feel at home in my own skin again? Will I ever stop feeling like a disappointment, a failure? Will his voice ever leave my ears? What ifs plague me. What if he haunts me my entire life. What if I never get better? What if … what if …
It is hard for me when I think about how Eddie’s abuse affected me. I hate that his actions have had such an influence over my life. It has tainted how I view people. It has made it nearly impossible to trust anyone – even myself. I feel isolated much of the time – afraid that if people really knew me they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Because of what Eddie did I feel dirty and broken inside and that is not fair. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop – waiting to be abandoned and forgotten. I grew up feeling invisible – I became the perfect chameleon, it’s how I survived.
I am still affected by his abuse today – I am so broken and so afraid. I cannot function in a healthy relationship without constant guidance and reassurance. I am afraid to have sex because I dont’ want my marriage tainted by Eddie’s touches. I don’t want to think of his hands touching me when I should be enjoying my husband’s caress. Because of the abuse I suffered as a child I feel powerless and tainted and worthless. My life is still affected in so many areas. I struggle in my marriage because I am unable to accept and trust love and affection. I am affected in my job because I struggle to find my voice. I am affected in my relationship with my family because I am still so afraid of them and I still feel crazy around them – crazy and so small.
One strength I developed because of the abuse is empathy. I truly have a heart for the suffering. I have a strongly developed sixth sense about people and their intentions. It has helped me survive. I developed a tender and caring heart and a strong desire to fight for the weak. I developed and artistic eye and a desire to make the world beautiful. I developed a rich imagination and a poet’s heart. I escaped into words, books and dreams. I found a way to wring pleasure out of almost any small thing – whether it is a gift or just the sight of a butterfly. I am a strong woman. I had to be to survive my childhood. I locked myself away inside the warehouse of my mind and kept myself save in there between the dusty shelves. If I survived this I can do anything. I WILL make it out of this. I WILL get better. I will heal. I am worth fighting for. I can do this.
Father, I thank you for the strength You gave me to overcome my past. I invite you into my heart, into my healing, into my broken places and into my marriage. Come, Jesus. Make the broken whole again…
captivatingbitter 