Tag Archive: choices


My Levels of Not Okayness


I’ve been thinking a lot about Dante’s Divine Comedy…specifically his Inferno and I have decide I have 7 levels of my not-okay-ness…I know this is not grammatically correct 🙂 But it’s the best way I can explain it…  Here’s how it goes…  In this scenario I knock my contact solution off the sink edge due to my infinite clumsiness…

Level One: I have no reaction… I just pick it up and put it back.

Level Two: I take a deep breath, sigh, then put it back.

Level Three: I take  a deep breath, huff, blow, slam it back down.

Level Four: I growl at the contact solution, pick it up, slam it down, huff, mumble and clench my fists…then take a deep breath…

Level Five:  I growl, glare at the contact solution, leave it there, huff, sigh, take a moment to calm myself down and take a deep breath.

Level Six: I yell at the contact solution, I glare at it, I kick it across the room, yell at it some more and pick it up and slam it down.

Level Seven: I yell at the contact solution, sink, mirror and any inanimate object around, I pick up the contact solution and throw it against the mirror, I cry, I pick it up and throw it again.

Does anyone else have days like this filled with irrational emotional craziness?  I hate this rage…this overly emotional out of control feeling….I certainly don’t want to  go through life feeling like this… How do I get a handle on it?

Gift from my Husband


This was written for me by my husband…  He is such a gift!

 

My heart weeps for all your tears.

Your words convey your pain.

I ache to sing solace amidst your fears.

And brush away your rain.

I grieve with you each ill received.

Your voice cries out lost years.

Your plastered smile did not deceive.

I yearn to hold you near.

Your heart was buried amidst the shame.

Twas hidden among the scars.

You did not deserve an ounce of blame,

For untold lashes left to mar.

Voices maligned your every thought.

Mean words dashed your heart.

Cruel lessons were branded and severely taught,

And dark horrors did they impart.

To be raised by loathsome beasts at best,

And savage gods at worst,

I long to see your soul enjoy rest,

And all your wounds be nursed.

Each scar and tear is precious to me.

Your pain does not repel.

I chase each lingering shadow to flee,

And make the dark dispel.

Until your heart finds rest in my love,

Your head against my chest,

I’ll embrace you in mine arms my dove,

till serenity do you possess

You were punished for your sire’s sin.

Sacrificed to lust and pride.

You and your cousins given to perverse men,

While your childhood died.

You were offered up to protect their lies.

Innocence suffered mortal blows.

While they puff and guff and claim alibis,

Their children they laid low.

Their children used as human shields

Wounded youth left to die

How foolishly they abused the power they yield,

For their infants they did not even cry.

What cruelty seethes from lifeless eyes?

lips drip poison to their chins.

Injuries more upon your back now lie

you lost so they might win.

How willingly they strap you to the stake.

Your mother sheds not one tear.

Your father preaches to the mob so fake,

while they cling to his words as dear.

Vacant eyes stare as babies are sacrificed alive,

Cries rend the night.

Innocence voices are silenced by inhuman drives,

beautiful children see no more light.

The God they think they blameless serve,

will one day cast them out,

They will find the place that he reserved,

for monsters who acted devout.

God is merciful and loving and kind it’s true,

but one day time will end.

Justice will have His say and into hell will He spew,

those who did only pretend.

God saw each cut and bruise and lash,

which they willfully hid.

Their image would be fit for the trash,

if ever exposed what they did.

You were effectively silenced for many a year,

Your heart was left to die

Malevolent parents deceive all who give ear,

and you thought you were the lie.

My heart weeps for wrongs you have wearily bourne,

by callous hearts and dead eyes.

I pray I may care for the places you were savagely torn,

and weep with you while you cry.

No one deserves abuse and neglect.

least of all one so pure.

God tenderly caught each tear to collect,

forever in His arms He will assure.

I Hate Anxiety!


I know no one really like anxiety, but I hate the way I feel right now!  My heart is pounding, I am having trouble breathing I cannot think straight… I hate this!!!  I want to scream right now.  I hate this feeling of fear – terror really.  I hate feeling trapped inside my own skin.  I hate the swarm of bees buzzing in my chest, the tightness in my lungs, the crawling in my skin the jangling nerves.  I hate that I feel so helpless to this feeling.  I hate this!  I feel crazy and I feel desperate and I would almost do anything to make it go away….

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All American Holiday


I love the feel of good old fashioned celebration…I enjoyed being amongst the crowd watching the fireworks and hearing the ooh’s aah’s and cheering.  It feels like community and makes me long for the America portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings.

American Fourth

 

American Fourth2

 

Dandilion Firework

 

Fireworks6


I turned 35 today…  Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically.  I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband.  I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me.  Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday.  Now it is what we do for each other every year..  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since.  Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest.  I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away.  I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want…  He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.

 

Feeling Despirate


I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless.  I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him.  I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…

Beauty ~ Dew Covered Rose


I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.

 

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Arguing with Zeus


I was cleaning some weeds out of my flower bed when the storm blew in… first the darkening sky, then the wind that felt so good against my flushed skin… covered in sweat from the effort and humidity… then the storm crashed over me… it was like the opening of a faucet… no gentle rain, this… this was angry, stinging, fat drops of rain that were punishing as they hit. I refused to be swayed and defiantly knelt in the now-mud, pulling weeds and trying to resist the temptation to shake my fist angrily at the sky in some clichéd move. Soon, soaked to the skin and nearly blinded by the water running over my face I gave in… driven in by the lightning and thunder popping all around me. I almost dared the storm to strike me… feeling angry and spoiling for a fight – not that a fight against nature is one I am likely to win… Still…. the storm darkened sky did not disappoint – nor did the wet leaves in the soft after-storm light… Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them… storm-weary and muttering at the sky.

Stormy Skies

Thunder in the distance

After the Storm (2)

The Little Things


Little ThingsSome days I just don’t know how to keep from being distracted by all the little things… How do I focus on the big picture? How do I block out all the noise and all the things that try for my attention? How do I de-clutter my thoughts? Some days I feel hopeless… just hopeless. I walk around most days feeling pretty ok but days like today life feels like it is crumbling around me. I think sometimes I allow myself to be sucked into the little details so I don’t have to realize how broken and afraid I feel.

Opening Up


This has  been an emotional and triumphant week for me.  I never imagined that I would be in this particular place.  On Wednesday I was asked to be a guest speaker for a small group.  I was asked to simply share my story and was told that many of the women attending would benefit from this.  I spoke to a group of women (and 2 men) and told them my story.  I told them about this life, this pain, this fear and this healing.  It was terrifying to speak to strangers so openly…to lay my heart open to them and trust that they would handle it with loving-kindness.  The response was over-whelming.  I was so moved by their compassion… and so much more… they seemed so genuinely touched by my words… they were moved to share their own stories and we hugged and cried and prayed together.  These wonderful people opened their homes, lives and hearts to me and trusted me with their truth.  There are no words for how powerful and moving it was.  On Sunday we stopped half-way home and visited my aunt and uncle – the first family I have had contact with in over two years.  I was able to open up to them and to share my heart with them as well… and they received me without rejection or criticism.  After so many years of silence I am finding my voice and I feel like a new woman.  I am not saying that I am suddenly healed after years of abuse, fear, anger etc… but I feel a new strength… This week brought so many surprises… so much hope… and for the first time in a long time I feel that my recovery WILL one day be complete.  I know life is a journey and I have far yet to go, but I know I will be ok… I am no longer focused on surviving my life… I am finding ways to live my life and to help others do the same.