I hate this feeling… this vague uneasy feeling that something is wrong. I got in a slight accident yesterday and clipped a garbage can knocking my passenger mirror through my passenger side window… there was a loud bang and an explosion of glass flew through the car. It was terrifying… it was dark and foggy and I did not see the garbage can hanging out into the road. Now I cannot shake this. I feel paranoid and worried and really uneasy. It’s ridiculous… All evening with my husband at home I have felt like he was mad at me or unhappy with me… and he’s not – we talked things out and he’s very warm and understanding – it’s just me. I feel like the bottom is about to fall out. I know this is just the accident and the dust will settle soon… but in the mean-time I really want to get back to normal. I hate feeling so raw and vulnerable.
Tag Archive: damaged goods
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
Are you part of the club? No, not a popular and fun club… the club of the Rape Survivors… We’re not an official club…but we often recognize each other by our habits, mannerisms and particular needs. Does this sound familiar?
- You don’t close your eyes when you shower – even when you wash your hair.
- You prefer to sit in a restaurant with your back to a wall or corner from which you can see people enter and exit around you.
- You check the house when you are alone at night, searching room by room before you can rest.
- You either leave the shower curtain open or use a clear shower curtain when you shower.
- You do not like people standing behind you and do not like to be touched by all but a very few people.
- You have nightmares about the event – wake up with dried tears on your cheeks, your heart pounding and a pain in your chest that you can scarcely breathe around.
- You have flash-backs that make the event feel like it is constantly current.
There is so much more… so many every day unconscious decisions. It feels so unfair that this one event changes your life so drastically. Some days I feel so angry – I feel cheated. I wonder what path my life would have taken…but then I just breathe… I try to pray… I find peace whenever I can, wherever I can. I find peace in worship, long walks in the woods, kayaking on Banks Lake, reading good books… Where do you find peace?
I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds…. heard this quote and had to share…
“Scars only show us where we’ve been – they do not dictate where we’re going”
I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
I realized today, not for the first time, that there are several things I do simply out of habit…out of long-standing routine. I shower in exactly the same way, dry off in the same pattern, wash dishes in the same order (cups & glasses first, then plates, then bowls, then pots & pans and finally serving and silver-ware)… I even open my cans of cream in the way I was taught by my mother when I was a kid – though it is not the most safe or expedient way to do so…(with a knife – which causes my husband some consternation… he’s always afraid I’ll cut myself; which I must admit is likely since I am terribly clumsy…) It’s funny all the little habits and routines we get into without considering their source or effectiveness. 
I have been enjoying painting lately, I find it very restful and therapeutic. With so much in the world and in my life that is ugly, hurtful or mean I find that creating little spots of beauty bring peace to me…
captivatingbitter 