Tag Archive: damaged goods


One Single Tear (part one)

Filed under: Poetry — 2 Comments
March 8, 2011

   I will spare only one tear for you.  I dare not open the floodgates of my emotion lest the onslaught destroy me in a vortex of fear and self-loathing.  You are naught but a ghost.  I killed you that day.  I watched you die.  In desperation, I drove the knife home and I watched you writhe in agony with a bitter smile on my face.  I strove to destroy you, dear child…but not without reason.  I destroyed you to save you, that perhaps some small remnant of the girl you were could survive, pristine.

    I was a fool to attempt this.  I will never escape you.  You are soiled and ugly.  You are a protector of wrong, defender of evil.  You cause hurt to come upon others.  You have no pity. Stupid child. Pitiful creature.  To know you is to loathe you.  To despise your very existence.  Whore that you are, finding joy in your torture, enlisting the pity of others to aid in your healing.  You will never be free.  You live only to suffer, die only to rot.

    I did not bury you that day.  I torment myself with the knowledge of my deed.  My failure to eradicate you will haunt me forever.  You are the ghost that haunts my dreams.  You are the demon who terrorizes my waking hours.  You are my hell, my prison I have created and I cannot break free.  I hate you, unclean thing that you are.  I am locked in here with you-my tormentor. 

    I shed only one tear for you.  You will spend my whole life dyeing.  I spare only one tear for you because you will rape my soul forever.  You will rape my soul forever.

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Gaping Hole

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
March 6, 2011

I was taking a shower today and staring at the shower head thinking about the time we had to change it. Then I suddenly remembered that there was a huge gaping hole on the other side of the wall.  Changing this shower head was supposed to be simple… just unscrew the old one then screw the new one in place.  Like most things in life it got complicated quickly.  After trial and error we had to cut a large access hole into wall in the adjoining room to repair the problem.   These repairs were taking place at about 9pm on a Sunday which meant we didn’t have much time to get the job properly done before we had to give up on it for the night and just rig it up and go to bed.  Well now a month has passed and I had managed to completely forget that this huge hole existed.  As long as the shower functioned properly and I didn’t have to look at the hole it was not a part of my reality.  This became a metaphor for my life…  I find that as long as I am functioning on a day to day level –  as long as I can go to work, pay my bills, put dinner on the table, clean my kitchen, spend time with my husband – as long as I can do these things I fool myself into thinking that the gaping hole in my chest doesn’t exist.  Then something horrible happens… something wonderful… my husband looks at me and says, “You don’t have to pretend here.”  And I am suddenly aware of this wound.  I feel it and allow myself to be broken for a moment.  Just that small reminder that I am seen, that I don’t have to hide… It’s painful and wonderful at the same time.  I usually don’t allow myself to feel this pain.  I just gloss over it and pretend to be ok, to be happy.  Something amazing happens in the middle of it all, though… Through the safe release of this pain… I find that under it I really am happy… that I really do believe everything will be ok eventually and I don’t have to rush through this healing process… I can give myself permission to be.  There is so much grace in that realization.

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Trying to find Balance

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
March 5, 2011

Now that I am aware…now that I am awake, I am trying not to be hyper-aware of everything I do I am trying not to over-analyze my thoughts and actions.  I want to be alive in my world, not just drifting slowly through it, but I also want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I want to drink in life and stop being a passive character in my own life story.  I want to be able to recognize and admit to a lifetime of abuse without drowning in this grief.  I want to realize my own self-worth without becoming self-involved.  I want to admit that I need to do things for me that make me happy without alienating the people I love.  I want to give myself permission to be happy without seeking the approval of others.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to stop hiding behind the “everything is ok” mentality when things are so obviously broken.  I want to be able to admit to this pain that threatens to overwhelm me without making the people around me uncomfortable.  I am so tired.  So afraid.  So broken.  I am ready to shake off this cloak and lie in the sun.  I am ready… just so afraid…

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Razorblade – Blue October

Filed under: Poetry — 7 Comments
March 2, 2011

There’s a song by Blue October that just says it better than I can today…. apart from the line about forgiveness, as I believe forgiveness awaits us if we only ask… enjoy.  Click to see it on youtube.

“Razorblade”

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There’s an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to… to every walk of life
I haven’t met another you since you were with me.

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done

In a way, I failed religion
I spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There’s no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!

It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done

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-Untitled-

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
March 1, 2011

An unfathomable sadness

has settled over me

blanket-like.        

Its pain sears my chest

like a hot knife,

scarring.

I shrink away from words

and faces – I shrink

to you…

You-awaiting me beyond shadows

waiting in secret

my love.

In need of somewhere to settle

my restless emotions

ceaselessly search.

Longing for understanding

I cry out

(in despair)

I cry out silently and hear

my fears echoing

about me.

In an agonizing torment

I realize I am

 alone.

Why this sad loneliness

this dull ache

these tears?

I should rejoice in your love –

instead I weep

I weep.

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Trying to move on…

Filed under: Healing — 4 Comments
February 28, 2011

I am so afraid… I am embarking on yet another chapter of my life and I don’t know if I can do this. I am finally coming to terms with how abusive my parents were. Even though they did not molest me, they didn’t protect me and not only did they not protect me they treated me like a freak when they found out. They blamed me, they buried the whole thing under the rug and went on pretending that everything in our family was perfect. I have been surrounded by this attitued of ‘everything is ok’ my whole life. No matter how twisted or painful things were in our home we all pretended to be a happy family. I don’t want to pretend anymore. My life was pain… intense, bitter pain… and I am not ok with that anymore. I will not bow down to this cult of secrets and lies anymore. I will approach my life with honesty, even if that means I cry every day until this mourning period has passed… at least I will be real.

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Anger (free verse)

Filed under: Poetry — 2 Comments
February 27, 2011

 

Long ago, when I lay at your feet and whimpered beneath your touch I dared to dream of freedom. Never then did the thought of vengeance enter my mind. Your breath in my face tasted like death and the touch of your skin was beyond pain. The smell of you engulfed me, sickened, revolted me, and still I lived on. You are the disease that threatened to destroy me, but I am stronger than you … and wiser. I even smiled when you looked at me, showed you my best side. I knew it was pointless to dream, but dream I did. Daily I dreamed of freedom. Now I taste the clean air and feel the sun kiss my skin. The wind caresses my body and plays with my hair. I breathe in the scent of flowers and grass. I pity you now, in your dark cell. Now that I am free, freedom has become your dream. loneliness is your nightmare. The heavens no longer kiss you, the wind no longer loves you. You will never hear the trees whisper your name in adoration and flowers do not wear perfume for you. I am no longer the dog at your feet, but the woman who stands proud. Never again will I cow down beneath your filthy boot. You watch me walk in the sunshine now and remember me as you crouch in your shadowed pit.

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Longing

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment

There’s so much I don’t understand about the healing process. I feel so lost and confused sometimes. I just want to feel whole again… I just want to be me again, whoever that is… For the first time in a long time I long to be whole, I want it so bad I can taste it. I am tired of lingering in the shadows hoping that everything will be ok. I am tired of settling for being broken. I am tired of being resigned to living this half-life where I never expect my life to be any better than it is. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be free. I deserve to feel strong and beautiful. I am done apologizing my way through life. I am done keeping my head down and staying out of everyone’s way. I am done being beaten down and just accepting that that is my fate. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want to twirl in the sunshine with my arms flung out and my head tilted back with the wind in my hair and a laugh on my lips. I want to dance in my livingroom unashamed. I want to play and have fun. I want to revel in every day miracles. I want to blow the seeds off dandelions and make wishes. I want to spoil myself and not feel guilty. I want to pursue health and not fear. I want to be embraced and enjoyed. I want to be safe again. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to allow my husband to love me. I want to give myself permission to be vulnerable and let down my guard. I want to be vibrant and passionate and ALIVE. I want freedom from this pain, this fear that holds me back… I want to more than conquer it I want to stomp it into the ground and take away its power over me. I want to shake off this weight from my shoulders and sing to the sky. I will be happy one day. I will overcome this.

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Damaged Goods

Filed under: Memories — 3 Comments
February 25, 2011

 

You know, I never would have thought of myself as bad, damaged, or to blame if it had not been implied by my father.   After my family found out about that I was molseted by my uncle they treated me like a freak, like a stranger.  I don’t think they knew what to say to me or how to act around me.  It’s like we were all lost.  I will never forget what my father said, though… He had 3 things to say.

1.  Are you sure you’re not making this up.  Did you just want to fit in with the other girls, is that why you said this?

2. Why didn’t you tell us?  Did you like it so much you just didn’t want it to stop, is that why you never said anything?

3.  You are no better than a child molester your-self.  If you would have said something when it happened you could have saved your cousins.

I will carry these scars the rest of my life.  Before this conversation it never crossed my mind that I was to blame for any of this.  Before this conversation being molested was just a bad thing that happened to me.  Before this I had the illusion that my family would be there for me and support me if the worst happened.  This conversation changed my entire life.

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