Alone, my thoughts
drift to you…
awakened by love…
mind awash in hope.
Scared , but not defeated…
cold fingers of doubt cannot
overturn this joy…
this longing to be free…
thoughts of you careen… a
Juxtaposition of peace
and fear. Hope and longing.
never have I been so
alive and unafraid…
songs from the wind
invading my mind… give me
elusive joy…. surcease..
worry melting like snow..
intimacy beckons, and I answer the
call…hesitant…then full of a
zeal I did not know I could possess..
Watching the rain
Stream past the balcony
Dripping from
Lampposts
Below me…
I feel the absence
Of you
And I embrace
This peace..
No slamming doors
Or breaking dishes…
No raised voices
Or near *constant* weight
Of disappointment
…never enough…
…always too much…
I feel another wound
Stitched closed
By glimmering
Threads of rain
Under a cold
Gray sky
Another layer of fear
Washed away in the storm.
For one so at home in the dark,
I often awake to find myself tormented…
plagued, harried
Utterly broken and
so. very. afraid.
Why is it so easy to breathe
At night, sitting alone in the dark
And in the early morning hours
Every breath is a
Ragged gasp…
Fighting for air…?
Why, when I should feel uneasy
Sitting in the night air
Listening to the wind
And the sounds from the city
Do I feel fearless?
Peaceful?
Yet in the breaking daylight
Peace gives way to
Turmoil…and
So much pain…
Every dark thought
Is a blade across my heart
Every shortcoming
A curse on my soul
And every tear shed
Feels like a shameful thing
Crying alone over coffee
Hating myself with a loathing
Beyond anything i have ever felt
For anyone else.
So painfully sweet
Was that first stretching
That deep touch
That ‘Being known’
Painful….for it being
Only
Sweet for it being
First
I ache now
In the absence of you
Knowing
The only
Will haunt me
Knowing
The first
Will be last
Exquisite was that
First drink
So deep
So thorough
Ecstasy
Yet…
So painful, the removal
Of you from me
First…
And last…
So passionate, the
Rough kneading, needing
Touch…
Longing embodied…
Yet so painful…
The cold vacuum
Left by your warmth
First…
And last…
Last dance
Last glance
Last lingering touch
Last wavering goodbye
Hands lingering
On breast
Back
Hips
Lips
….last…
She smiles the way
Only a girl with
A secret can smile…
A smile just for her –
From her –
Not to be shared
Or given away
To anyone else.
She smiles the way
Only a girl with
A secret can smile…
One that accompanies
The music in her
Heart…that only
She knows the
Words to.
She smiles the way
Only a girl with
A secret can smile
….privately…
Feeling the invisible
Fingers of wind
Trace her lips,
Her shoulders,
Her spine…
She smiles the way
Only a girl with
A secret can smile…
With a deep joy
Often tinged in a sadness
That is as welcome as
An old friend.
In the empty days,
In the quiet hours,
In the loneliness
That echos in the
Corridors of her mind
….she smiles….
I still feel the
absence of that
small gold band
missing from my
finger – yet the
weight of it
is so heavy
carried in
my heart.
I am drowning in
the dreams I once
held dear. Hope
of happiness and
passion and a family
unbreakable… immutable…
yet… now utterly broken
shattered beyond
any hope, any trust
any love…
I have no hope
of you anymore…
This weight on my finger…
the absence of you..
now it feels like
freedom.
I had forgotten what love tasted like
Until it melted on my tongue
Today… filling me
With the flavor of you.
Now it lingers…
Informing every
Breath…
Every thought…
Inescapable…
Delectable…
Mouth-watering
Delicious.
My heart quickens
My breath catches
And every inhalation
Carries with it
The essence of you
The taste of love…
A flavor long forgotten
Lost to me…
Or so I thought…
Until today…
Life renewed
Revived
In a glorious moment
Explosive joy!
I don’t know how to navigate this… How do I prepare myself for pain? How do I mourn what I have not yet lost? I can feel the emptiness threaten me already and I don’t know how to prepare myself for this agonizing ache… this absence of you… I keep trying to tell myself that I am ready for this, that this is inevitable and that I should stop mourning…that I should just be ok… Move on… I want to close my heart and stop feeling this way. I have been through enough. I have done enough. I have mourned enough. I am tired… so very tired… Can I just quit now? Please? I don’t want to keep putting my heart through the ringer. I don’t want to keep hoping only to feel like I could be put on a shelf at any time. What do I do when my heart refuses to listen to me and loves you despite all my warnings? What do I do when I find myself – again – alone at the end of the day? I was just getting the hang of alone… or so I thought… Now I FEEL lonely.. that is new. I wasn’t lonely before… I was just relieved… Now the weight of the silence and the absence of the voice I long to hear weighs on me and just hurts. Please show me the way out of here… I don’t know how much more I can take.
Sunlight
streaming like rain
filtering through the trees
kissing my face like a lover
….breathless….
Cool invisbile
fingers of wind gently stroke
the tears from my face
All I see is you
your once familiar face
now ever pain-blurred
How to control this
deep ache felt with every beat
of a heart – once loved?
captivatingbitter 