I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.
Tag Archive: doubt
I feel my world crumbling around me. I have never been this frightened in my entire life – including during my abuse… My husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted… they say he will be in there for 3-4 days and I feel so helpless… I can’t see him except for strict visiting hours and can only talk to him for 10 minutes at a time. I feel so helpless. I talk to him on the phone and he wants to come home so badly and I want to rush to his rescue. I want to help him. I want to make all this ugliness go away. I want to make him all better…. and to make the whole ordeal worse we had a fight last night… an age-old fight that we’ve had over and over… one that we had been working through and moved past recently… I thought we were doing so well… but last night we were looking at some of my old family photographs and I just lost it… I went back to that place, mentally and when he was just trying to help me I snapped at him and the evening quickly spiraled out of control. I hurt his feelings so badly… made him feel like the enemy… made him feel invisible, rejected and unimportant…. and I don’t know if it is possible for me to live long enough to do enough good to this man to ever make that up to him. Time and time again in our relationship he has reached out to help me and I have hurt him over and over by going into my automatic defense mode. I don’t mean to do this and I am working so hard to undo all of these defenses… I don’t need them anymore… but I can’t seem to get them disarmed. I feel like my heart is a mine-field and he keeps trying to reach me there and just when we think the land-mines are clear he steps on one and I hurt him all over again. I am so scared. I feel like this is all my fault… I’ve stressed him to the point of hospitalization. I am the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am terrified. I am desperately trying to stave off the ‘what ifs’… What if he hates me now? What if I can’t recover from this? What if this is the thing that leads him to leave me? What if I am just toxic and he never wants to see me again? What if I have just ruined our marriage that we have worked so very hard to save? What if he gets home from the hospital and is so traumatized by me he just doesn’t want me to touch him anymore? Is yesterday the last day I will ever touch his face? Kiss his lips? See his special -just for me- smile? Is it the last day I will ever hear his voice telling me he loves me? Did I just ruin both of our lives? Have I finally become the monster I have always feared I would? I am so afraid… Please, God, help me. Anyone out there…. if you pray…. please pray for us….
Taken at Suwannee River State Park… Some days I don’t know which way is up… some days I feel lost in Alice’s mirror and I can’t remember who is real – me or my mask. Some days my world feels upside down and the ground and sky cannot be distinguished… Inside I’m begging for someone to show me what is real and what is a reflection from the funhouse of mirrors in my mind.
Forked tongue spits death
thinly disguised as kindness.
Poison heart spews bile.
How is it that you
are by him so deeply loved,
yet feel only hate?
We found this snake in our yard…he’s beautiful and harmless – unlike the subject of this poem
I feel like I am drowning in fear, doubt, sadness, despair. They are my near-constant companions. I’m not sure I know what I am apart from them. I don’t know what to do or where to go – God help me.
Dear M____,
This is the most difficult letter I will ever write to you. I know I have apologized a thousand times to you over the years and I know I have hurt you a million more. I know that you have no reason to hope for me to change, but I promise you I am trying. I realized this morning that I have become an abuser. The cycle must stop with me. You have pointed out to me that I have been abusing myself – but I realized this morning I have been abusing you as well.
All my life I learned that love meant judgement, rejection and pain. Though I had glimmers of real love in my grandmother, sadly, she wasn’t the stronger influence in my life. My toxic parents were…their lessons of love driven home much harder and deeper than hers. This is not an excuse, just an explanation. My life has been filled with overwhelming pain since birth and pain has been my constant companion. I don’t want this anymore.
All of those unhealthy abusive behaviors followed me from my parent’s home into ours. I have neglected you and withdrew into myself and withheld love from you. It does not matter that this was not a conscious decision or done with intent. The result is the same. Pain. Doubt. A crumbling marriage.
I realize this morning that the times I am feeling the most fear and panic and doubt are the times I need to be running to you – not away from you. Because of my fear of love and feelings of worthlessness I have continued my parent’s toxic abuse cycle with you in our marriage. I have been come the thing I hate. No wonder you don’t feel safe with me.
I don’t know why God brought us together but I fear that I don’t have much to offer you. I know I have a long road to recovery ahead of me and I know I won’t get it right all the time – but I promise to get it right more often than I get it wrong.
I want to tell you that I am profoundly sorry fo all the pain I caused you through the course of our relationship. I want to tell you that I truly understand if you don’t want anything to do with me – after all – I am more like our fathers than you mother or my grandmother. I am self-centered and neglectful nd don’t deserve another chance to hurt you. You have this beautiful, loving heart and I have done my best to destroy it. You don’t deserve this.
this is what I can promise you… I love you with all my heart and I am fully committed to you – to us- and I will do everything in my power to break this cycle. I will make better choices – when all of my instincts tell me to withdraw – to hide…I will make a conscious decision to seek your heart that much harder. When I feel like pulling away I will cling to us and to God. I will pray against my strongholds daily and I will seek God in our marriage. I will see you and love you and not hide myself from you. I will fight harder against the lies and patterns I was raised around and I will talk openly about my hopes, beliefs, fears and doubts instead of retreating into my head and locking down my heart.
I take full responsibility for the current problems in our marriage and I beg your forgiveness.
I love you M___. I pray that I haven’t ruined this.
Love,
No Longer Damaged Goods
I don’t know how to be in this much pain.
captivatingbitter 