I realized today, not for the first time, that there are several things I do simply out of habit…out of long-standing routine. I shower in exactly the same way, dry off in the same pattern, wash dishes in the same order (cups & glasses first, then plates, then bowls, then pots & pans and finally serving and silver-ware)… I even open my cans of cream in the way I was taught by my mother when I was a kid – though it is not the most safe or expedient way to do so…(with a knife – which causes my husband some consternation… he’s always afraid I’ll cut myself; which I must admit is likely since I am terribly clumsy…) It’s funny all the little habits and routines we get into without considering their source or effectiveness. 
Tag Archive: faith
I have been enjoying painting lately, I find it very restful and therapeutic. With so much in the world and in my life that is ugly, hurtful or mean I find that creating little spots of beauty bring peace to me…
I was doing some yard work the other day when I noticed this bird’s nest… I could not resist a peek inside and was pleasantly surprised to find little fuzzy Mockingbirds inside. I had to climb up on a yard chair to get high enough to snap the pictures…
I love how rainbows make me feel….. Every time I look at them I feel a surge of hope. Their beauty is ethereal and fleeting but the impression they leave on my heart is deep and permanent.
Some days it feels like there are no ears to hear our cries. I have faith that this is not the case, but some days I wish that I had a definite answer… some definite sign that my prayers were heard and that an answer was on the way… Some days faith comes so easily to me and other days it feels nearly impossible…
OK – well that’s a rather lighthearted title but this is a heavy post… I have unearthed new memories… very vivid ones and they are terrifying me. I feel like I am losing my mind and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings that threaten to drown me.
***Disclaimer: this may be triggering to some – read with caution***
Here’s what I remember:
I am young (Don’t know what age, exactly) and I am being forced face down onto a soft surface (bed? couch?…) and I am wearing a dress and my panties have been pulled down and I am being raped from behind and I am beyond terror and the weight of the man on top of me pressing me down makes it impossible to breathe…
I feel my heart start to race and my insides twist just remembering this and writing it down feels dangerous… like he’s going to read this and know it’s me and come after me (even though I have protected myself with anonymity in this blog) I am so afraid sometimes. I hear a car door outside and jump and my heart will pound and I’ll have to calm myself down and remind myself that he is not coming after me. Some days I wonder how long will I carry this… and when will the remembering be over finally? I thought I was done with that part and I have made peace with the gaping holes in my memory… but they are determined to surface. I pray this is the last of them. I am ready for this chapter to close and the healing chapter to be in full swing. I know I have made lots of progress and I am proud of the work I have done to get this far. I have worked so very hard to be where I am and I do not want to dismiss that with my desire to be all the way better… and I also do not want to be content here… I know there is more out there for me and I desire and deserve all the wonderful things ahead of me.
I have a love/hate relationship with self-help/personal-growth books… On the one hand it is helpful and gratifying to know that it is possible to make it through the darkness and thrive on the other side of it all… on the other none of them really give you the view from the pit. It’s ugly here and no-one wants to look at it. Many of them give the briefest of descriptions of the ‘dark days’ and then focus on their steps/ideas/practices that got them out of the mess they were in. I want to see the pit… did life feel as despairing & hopeless to them as it does to me most days? Were they breathing in and out through lungs filled with un-heard screams? Was the pit every bit as deep and dark and ugly as it feels to me today? I would like to know the view from the pit… Then I can feel better about my chances of making it out alive.
I was walking along the beach in Fort Clinch State Park FL when I saw this large, beautiful (to me, anyway) horseshoe crab…
I saw this crab on his back, tail straight in the air and assumed he was dead…. people were walking all around him – no doubt avoiding him out of revulsion, fear, or apathy – I was afraid he was dead but was pleasantly surprised to see he was ok. I turned him over and watched him make his way to the water and swim off. I know it is a small, insignificant thing the the grand scheme of life – but saving his life made me feel so good inside…
captivatingbitter 