captivatingbitter

I am reading this book by Susan Forward called Toxic Parents (Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life).  I am really enjoying it so far.  I can see a little of my family in each chapter.  I grew up alternately feeling invisible and feeling conspicuous. There was a part of me that longed to be seen, to be known and accepted… yet – there was another part of me that waned to hide, that wanted to blend into the background as to avoid pain.  It was a mass of confusion.   Having on the one hand parents who gave us gifts and spent time with us and took us on vacations… and on the other hand those same parents systematically broke us into pieces.  My father would call me beautiful, then accuse me of being vain in virtually the same breath.  My mother just stood by and did what-ever he wanted.  My father would get angry with us and whip us and my mother would have us go apologize to the man.   I never did understand what my crime was.  All these years later I still feel pulled apart by it all.  Will I ever be whole?