I feel your fingers
in my hair
in the playfulness
of the wind.
Whispered breaths
against my cheeks
speak of your
kisses…cool
instead of warm…
…yet…they still
ignite in me a
heat that
will not be
ignored
or denied.
Tag Archive: fear
The winter-shorn
trees scratch calligraphy
against the sky and
I strain my eyes
to see what
truth lies there.
Straining my ears,
I listen to the
whispering leaves
and wait
breathless
for the words
they speak.
My heart
yearns… longs
to know their
secrets… to feel
their comfort.
To be swept away.
A brittle leaf on the
October wind.
I don’t know how to navigate this… How do I prepare myself for pain? How do I mourn what I have not yet lost? I can feel the emptiness threaten me already and I don’t know how to prepare myself for this agonizing ache… this absence of you… I keep trying to tell myself that I am ready for this, that this is inevitable and that I should stop mourning…that I should just be ok… Move on… I want to close my heart and stop feeling this way. I have been through enough. I have done enough. I have mourned enough. I am tired… so very tired… Can I just quit now? Please? I don’t want to keep putting my heart through the ringer. I don’t want to keep hoping only to feel like I could be put on a shelf at any time. What do I do when my heart refuses to listen to me and loves you despite all my warnings? What do I do when I find myself – again – alone at the end of the day? I was just getting the hang of alone… or so I thought… Now I FEEL lonely.. that is new. I wasn’t lonely before… I was just relieved… Now the weight of the silence and the absence of the voice I long to hear weighs on me and just hurts. Please show me the way out of here… I don’t know how much more I can take.
I am haunted by you.
You dog my steps in
the silence of the night
and I lie awake …
tensed for the sound
of your rage.
Drifting off, exhausted,
I startle to every sound,
every breath the house takes
makes me catch my own…
heart pounding…
waiting for pain.
How do I exorcise you
from a place
you never lived?
How do I, instead,
evict you from my heart…
to live no longer haunted?
To breathe again..
Free?
Days like today are hard…
reeling from loss and hurt
on my way to joy, but the journey
withers my heart sometimes… I
need the night sky, the wind
in my hair… the
naked fingers of moonlight
gently stroking my skin…
I need to feel alive…
No other way to
swim in these currents of grief
only by surviving, striving,
rambling my way to joy
ramshackle though it may be.
One day this shadow will lessen…
will give way to the light.
There are endless
Hours of conversation between us…
Among the laughter, tears… joy
Never far away… but – grief stays close as well…
Knowing you has helped me to know myself…
You have been a guide and a mirror to me
On this strange journey… one
Unlike any I have ever experienced. I am
Feeling things I thought long dead
Only to see them rise again, full of hope…
Relieved to find that – against all odds
Love is possible for me…
Only you can say you know me as you do…
Vulnerable, hesitant, afraid… yet
Intrigued and embracing fearlessness and
Never giving up hope even when I
Grasp for bravery, and find it eludes me…
Mesmerized by your steadfast love… I find
Eternity staring back at me.
It has been far too long since I went on a hike with my camera. My life had become such that it was rare for me to find joy in anything at all, let alone my hobbies…and peace was so far away that I forgot what it felt like… It has been a tumultuous few years and now I find myself embraced by peace again… and that longing to delve into the wonder of nature….even if it is as simple as a walk in the woods near my home…
This hike was exactly what my soul needed… I can’t wait to share with you what I find on my next hike.
I remember splashing in puddles
Clomping and stomping
All down the road
Letting the water spray us in
Little geysers, dirty and fun, the
Evening sun turning the sky golden,
Delighting our eyes and
Hearts. Such a glimpse…staggering
Evidence of who you could have been.
Realizing the mother i could have had
My heart shatters remembering your
Onerous, offensive touches
Mortifying me…torturing my soul.
It is a strange thing to me….to be known… It is often easier to write these thoughts out and put them in the ether knowing that they are going out to strangers who do not know me and who I will, likely, never meet… It is another thing entirely for someone who knows me (and who I know) to read them… It makes me feel laid bare…exposed… And I carry the burden of knowing that my life has been what it was and it makes me afraid to meet their eyes…lest I find there the pity and the pain echoing in their gaze… I find myself tempted to edit…to temper the tempest within my breast to make those who have to look me in the eyes more comfortable with the rumble of thunder behind my smile… Then, sometimes, something so profound, so beautiful happens…. Someone discovers my tempest, rides out my storm, feels my pain…and meets my gaze unflinchingly – unafraid and with such compassion, such acceptance… it is truly humbling. And to those sacred few… thank you. Thank you for allowing me this. Thank you for being willing to see beyond the surface and to stare into the dark with me…. for being willing to listen for the sound of the storm and be unafraid of the lightening.
captivatingbitter 