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Tag Archive: frustration

Creepy-crawly

Filed under: Random — 7 Comments

August 27, 2015

I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.

Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth

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“Please save me from the monsters…”

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment

August 5, 2015

I’m staying up late tonight watching the show Dr. Who… It’s Season 6 Episode 9 ‘Night Terrors‘ and oh how I wish The Doctor was real… I can’t count the number of times I have been terrified and wished with all my heart for someone to come save me… Some nights I still feel this way. I wake up with dried tears on my cheeks, my heart racing scarcely able to breathe… I used to think night terrors were a thing of my past that they were something I’d grow out of but no, I realize they are just a part of my life.

I don’t want to become accustomed to this pain – this hole in my heart, shattered, twisting, angry pain that is as much a part of my as my brown eyes and scarred skin.

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dr who, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth

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Dumb Move….

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July 11, 2015

I feel so dumb today… I got home after work and gathered my things and got everything in the house and realized I could not find my car key…. It was after 11 pm and very dark out, so I grabbed a flashlight and searched all over the yard between the house and the car and could not find the key… I finally found it – I locked it in the car!! UGH! I don’t have any other key and the clicker is quite old and no longer works at all… We really cannot afford a lock-smith and I don’t know what I’m going to do… I hate it when I do things like this. I know we all make mistakes and are forgetful from time to time and I know intellectually that I am being hard on myself…but emotionally, I feel like I’ve made some major horrible mistake. Thank God for grace….now, if I could only apply that same grace to myself.

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Another Anxious Day

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May 29, 2015

It is one of those days when my heart twists inside me like warped metal… feeling immovable and beyond repair.. I think about the View from the Pit sometimes and wonder why so few writers embrace and write about the pit… but I think it is because the pain there is so deep and so very personal that writing/speaking honestly about is like giving a piece of your soul away to strangers… it feels foolhardy, dangerous and way beyond vulnerable. How do I articulate this?…. Hmmmmmm… I have unshakable faith in Christ and I have a hope for a better life beyond this one… but if I did not have my faith I must say I don’t think I would have survived my life. I would certainly not be as close to daylight as I am now. I may sill be in the dark… I may still be in the pit… but I can at least see the blessed sun now and I know that I will one day soon feel the warmth of it on my skin with all of its life giving glory.

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Waiting for Answered Prayers

Filed under: Photography, Random — 3 Comments

April 16, 2015

Some days it feels like there are no ears to hear our cries. I have faith that this is not the case, but some days I wish that I had a definite answer… some definite sign that my prayers were heard and that an answer was on the way… Some days faith comes so easily to me and other days it feels nearly impossible…

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Another Fine Mess

Filed under: Memories — 3 Comments

April 15, 2015

OK – well that’s a rather lighthearted title but this is a heavy post… I have unearthed new memories… very vivid ones and they are terrifying me. I feel like I am losing my mind and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings that threaten to drown me.

***Disclaimer: this may be triggering to some – read with caution***

Here’s what I remember:

I am young (Don’t know what age, exactly) and I am being forced face down onto a soft surface (bed? couch?…) and I am wearing a dress and my panties have been pulled down and I am being raped from behind and I am beyond terror and the weight of the man on top of me pressing me down makes it impossible to breathe…

I feel my heart start to race and my insides twist just remembering this and writing it down feels dangerous… like he’s going to read this and know it’s me and come after me (even though I have protected myself with anonymity in this blog) I am so afraid sometimes. I hear a car door outside and jump and my heart will pound and I’ll have to calm myself down and remind myself that he is not coming after me. Some days I wonder how long will I carry this… and when will the remembering be over finally? I thought I was done with that part and I have made peace with the gaping holes in my memory… but they are determined to surface. I pray this is the last of them. I am ready for this chapter to close and the healing chapter to be in full swing. I know I have made lots of progress and I am proud of the work I have done to get this far. I have worked so very hard to be where I am and I do not want to dismiss that with my desire to be all the way better… and I also do not want to be content here… I know there is more out there for me and I desire and deserve all the wonderful things ahead of me.

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The View From the Pit

Filed under: Healing, Photography — 3 Comments

April 1, 2015

I have a love/hate relationship with self-help/personal-growth books… On the one hand it is helpful and gratifying to know that it is possible to make it through the darkness and thrive on the other side of it all… on the other none of them really give you the view from the pit. It’s ugly here and no-one wants to look at it. Many of them give the briefest of descriptions of the ‘dark days’ and then focus on their steps/ideas/practices that got them out of the mess they were in. I want to see the pit… did life feel as despairing & hopeless to them as it does to me most days? Were they breathing in and out through lungs filled with un-heard screams? Was the pit every bit as deep and dark and ugly as it feels to me today? I would like to know the view from the pit… Then I can feel better about my chances of making it out alive.

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth

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Unusual Creatures

Filed under: Healing, Photography — 6 Comments

March 31, 2015

I was walking along the beach in Fort Clinch State Park FL when I saw this large, beautiful (to me, anyway) horseshoe crab…

I saw this crab on his back, tail straight in the air and assumed he was dead…. people were walking all around him – no doubt avoiding him out of revulsion, fear, or apathy – I was afraid he was dead but was pleasantly surprised to see he was ok. I turned him over and watched him make his way to the water and swim off. I know it is a small, insignificant thing the the grand scheme of life – but saving his life made me feel so good inside…

Tags: anger, anxiety, art therapy, beach, beautiful creatures, beauty, being real, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child abuse, choices, cold, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, faith, fear, feeling, fort clinch, freedom, frustration, horseshoe crabs, unusual creatures

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Insomnia

Filed under: Memories, Random — Leave a comment

March 11, 2015

I’ve tossed and turned for hours and I’m about ready to give up on sleep. Night sweats and hot flashes are not conducive to good rest and I feel so wound up and disoriented from this desperate need to rest that I don’t know that I am really capable of coherent thought at the moment. My thoughts race on some Silent-Hill-esque distorted merry-go-round on which the horses are darkly demonic with red eyes and flaming nostrils… rotting flesh and exposed bone… where the calliope is just off-key and so discordant and loud it sets your teeth on edge. This dark carnival of my mind… this sea of faces… I don’t know what to do with it all… here a leering clown, terrifying and somehow familiar under the painted face… there a carnival barker pedaling wares in a voice that triggers unwanted memories and me racing down the freeway trying to escape all of it…. I don’t want these thoughts, memories, fears, doubts and emotions washing over me like a flood tide. I fear I may drown in this. Please, God, don’t let me drown…

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Anxiety Sucks!

Filed under: Healing — 4 Comments

February 9, 2015

I’m having one of those days… one of those days where my heart won’t stop pounding and I can scarcely breathe. My ears are ringing and I hate this feeling. Every little thing is getting under my skin. I feel defensive and easily offended… I feel like a bundle of raw nerve endings. Does this ever go away? Will there ever be a time when I experience my very last panic attack? Will I ever live day after day with no heart-pounding, chest-tightening, jumping at every sound, sweaty palms, can’t breathe intrusions into my psyche?? I don’t even know how to imagine this kind of life. How do I imagine being at home in my own skin? What would it feel like to be at rest in myself? What must it be like to simply sit down and read a good book? To get lost in music? To enjoy a cup of tea or a hot shower without feeling pressure to get up and pace, clean, fidget?? How do I get to the point where I can rest without feeling guilty? How do I kick this voice out of my head that tells me continually that I am not good enough, that I am lazy, that I am not doing enough and what I am doing I am not doing right? Perfection does not equal happiness… Part of me believes once I understand this I may find peace.

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Tag Archive: frustration

Creepy-crawly

“Please save me from the monsters…”

Dumb Move….

Another Anxious Day

Waiting for Answered Prayers

Another Fine Mess

The View From the Pit

Unusual Creatures

Insomnia

Anxiety Sucks!

Books I recommend

List of Thoughts

Daily Rambles

Older Thoughts

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Welcome