captivatingbitter

Disclaimer:  This is a verbal vomit post… I have several things rattling ’round in my noggin and I have to vent this all out… this will likely jump from topic to topic and make little sense…so please forgive me ahead of time.

It’s that time of year… the time when we all look back over the passing year and evaluate  how we feel about all we have learned and gone through.  I have had so many high & low points this year… I am struggling with how to be honest about it all.  How do you sum up a year in your life… do you just hit the highlights?  There are those who insist on focusing only on the good things and not really acknowledging or giving space to the bad  – but I personally feel that this does not work for me.  It leaves my heart feeling cheated and the hurts become buried where they simply fester and turn into a lost temper over some trivial thing….(for example: at this exact moment my cat is meowing and I just want to scream at her…. She’s just a stupid animal and there is nothing wrong with her meowing – but with as stressed and sad and angry as I feel right now every little thing feels like a huge annoyance)

I started off the year working and living in another city from my husband… to be honest we weren’t sure at the time if our marriage was going to make it and being separated for a time seemed like a good idea – so I spent about 6 months living/working 4 hours away.  We were both miserable apart.  I hated every time I would visit him knowing that I would have to turn around in leave in about 30 hours… It was a difficult season in our marriage and in some ways as hard as it was that time apart strengthened our marriage.  (Not that I would want to do that again)  We’ve had so many ups and downs and I am not one of those married people who like to pretend that once you meet/marry your soul mate everything is just easy… that is a LIE.  It is not easy.  Love/marriage is a struggle and an active choice, one you must both chose and work on every day for the rest of your lives…but I will say that it is an easy choice to make.  I love being with my husband.  I love our laid back life, I love sitting with him on the couch as we each work on our separate projects and I love it when we are engaged with each other – playing games, watching movies, dreaming of our future.  It is a wonderful feeling knowing that every day when you wake up and make the choice to put God first, your spouse second that you are married to someone making that same choice.

I decided to quit my corporate ladder-climbing job and take a huge risk and work only part time (at a book store – yay!) and spend the rest of my time running a daylily nursery from my home… MAN has this been an adjustment….I spent the first few months in a state of sheer panic thinking there was no way I had what it took to do this… now I feel I have hit my stride and start to feel antsy when I have too many days in a row spent indoors… Oddly enough I enjoy pulling weeds and planting flowers.  It’s very hard work but so rewarding!  (sounds a bit like a cliche, doesn’t it? – oh well)

I reconnected with a few family members…the first in nearly 3 years…. It was terrifying… Family has become somewhat of a fearful subject with me having become estranged from pretty much my entire family in 2011 or so.  I felt this was a necessary choice for my own mental health and to be honest – though it has been a difficult choice that I would not recommend for everyone I am glad that I did it.  I have made more progress in my own mental and emotional healing since I severed the ties.  So anyway… I reconnected with my uncle and his fiance (now wife) first back in July and it was wonderful.  It was such a pleasant and welcome surprise to be able to tell them about my life, about my abuse, about my fears and concerns and to be met with warmth and love and understanding.   Part of me is still reeling from this and can scarcely believe my good fortune.  More recently I have connected with an aunt, uncle, and cousins… They have been unbelievably kind and caring and wonderful… They have welcomed me in their homes and hearts and have made such a  difference in my heart in such a short time.  It feels good to have some family again.  My brother told my aunt about my blog as an example of how crazy I am but his plan back-fired…she read my blog and now sees me – really sees me and cares about me and what I have been through.  She has been so supportive and I cannot thank her enough.  It’s amazing to me and so new…

I have learned so much this year… I have began taking Hebrew classes and can now read and write in Hebrew (Phonetically, anyway… still working on comprehension)  and next week I start my Biblical Hebrew class focusing on reading comprehension from the Book of Genesis.  I have learned other things too, unfortunately… I have learned of past betrayals from my family that have sent me reeling and hurt my heart in ways I cannot describe.  I have learned wonderful things… like my marriage is stronger than I thought it was and we can survive more that we thought we could…. I have learned to be kinder to myself this year than last year and hope that trend of kindness will continue year to year…

I have embraced a new passion this year – Photography – and have allowed myself to fall in love with this artistic expression.  I have had some photos published and even sold my first photo this year and cannot  be more excited about that… I never dreamed anyone would look at my art and see anything in it….see anything in me.  I am learning to see myself more clearly and to embrace my talents and see this as healthy and not dismiss it as pride or arrogance.

In my infinite clumsiness I have fallen up-stairs, down-stairs, careened off doorways and spilled boiling milk on myself (still healing from that last one)

I have visited new states and driven over a large portion of the eastern states on vacation.  Went on my first barely planned vacation which was scary and fun at the same time (I am a creature of habit and usually prefer to plan everything out on vacation – not normally one for winging it.)  This year we drove through state after state – often side-trekking onto back roads and I am surprised and happy to say that I LOVED it and hope to do the same in 2015.  I have made new friends and let go of old friends… I am learning more about myself every day and plan to continue that trend.

I have embraced the pain in my past in a way I never have before – acknowledging it and allowing it to wash over me and through me and recognizing it is a part of me that if I continue to deny will never lead me to the emotional health I deserve.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense outside of my head and do not plan to read over it to find out… Goodbye 2014… please take with you all the fears, resentment, anger and heartache you brought… I am ready for a little peace now…