I love the feel of good old fashioned celebration…I enjoyed being amongst the crowd watching the fireworks and hearing the ooh’s aah’s and cheering. It feels like community and makes me long for the America portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings.
Tag Archive: healing
I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless. I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him. I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…
I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.
I was cleaning some weeds out of my flower bed when the storm blew in… first the darkening sky, then the wind that felt so good against my flushed skin… covered in sweat from the effort and humidity… then the storm crashed over me… it was like the opening of a faucet… no gentle rain, this… this was angry, stinging, fat drops of rain that were punishing as they hit. I refused to be swayed and defiantly knelt in the now-mud, pulling weeds and trying to resist the temptation to shake my fist angrily at the sky in some clichéd move. Soon, soaked to the skin and nearly blinded by the water running over my face I gave in… driven in by the lightning and thunder popping all around me. I almost dared the storm to strike me… feeling angry and spoiling for a fight – not that a fight against nature is one I am likely to win… Still…. the storm darkened sky did not disappoint – nor did the wet leaves in the soft after-storm light… Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them… storm-weary and muttering at the sky.
Some days I just don’t know how to keep from being distracted by all the little things… How do I focus on the big picture? How do I block out all the noise and all the things that try for my attention? How do I de-clutter my thoughts? Some days I feel hopeless… just hopeless. I walk around most days feeling pretty ok but days like today life feels like it is crumbling around me. I think sometimes I allow myself to be sucked into the little details so I don’t have to realize how broken and afraid I feel.
This has been an emotional and triumphant week for me. I never imagined that I would be in this particular place. On Wednesday I was asked to be a guest speaker for a small group. I was asked to simply share my story and was told that many of the women attending would benefit from this. I spoke to a group of women (and 2 men) and told them my story. I told them about this life, this pain, this fear and this healing. It was terrifying to speak to strangers so openly…to lay my heart open to them and trust that they would handle it with loving-kindness. The response was over-whelming. I was so moved by their compassion… and so much more… they seemed so genuinely touched by my words… they were moved to share their own stories and we hugged and cried and prayed together. These wonderful people opened their homes, lives and hearts to me and trusted me with their truth. There are no words for how powerful and moving it was. On Sunday we stopped half-way home and visited my aunt and uncle – the first family I have had contact with in over two years. I was able to open up to them and to share my heart with them as well… and they received me without rejection or criticism. After so many years of silence I am finding my voice and I feel like a new woman. I am not saying that I am suddenly healed after years of abuse, fear, anger etc… but I feel a new strength… This week brought so many surprises… so much hope… and for the first time in a long time I feel that my recovery WILL one day be complete. I know life is a journey and I have far yet to go, but I know I will be ok… I am no longer focused on surviving my life… I am finding ways to live my life and to help others do the same.
After years of self-abuse (cutting, drinking, drugs etc) I finally found the strength to cry out for help – that is what has gotten me to where I am today… I could not have made it this far without help and I would not have received help until I got brave enough to ask for it… I nearly waited too late to ask someone to take the knife out of my hand.
I am finally seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel… and though I still have the occasional flash back, it no longer cripples me nor does it define me. My past is a part of what made me the woman I am today but it is not all that I am. I know it does not have to consume me. I have battled my way through terror, pain, frantic desperation and humiliation but I am here. I am alive… possibly for the first time in my life I am not just existing…. I am LIVING.
I spent the day driving along A1A visiting Little Talbot Island, Big Talbot Island, Amelia Island and Fort Clinch State Park. I thought I would share some of my photos from my trip.
Fences along the dunes… I love these falling down fences, so beautiful despite their weakness.
I love the vibrant colors and textures I always find along the beach.
I love watching the sand-pipers pick their way along the beach… and I think the footprints they leave behind are so cute.
I love the way the light turns golden as the sun prepares to set…
I love this old bronze cross in St Augustine… It is beautiful and I love the way it shines in the sun.
I spent the day at the beach a few weeks ago… I am often drawn to the broken, the weathered, the things textured and made beautiful by time, wind, sand, rain… I feel connected to the beautiful and broken.
captivatingbitter 