Tag Archive: hope


The View From the Pit


I have a love/hate relationship with self-help/personal-growth books…  On the one hand it is helpful and gratifying to know that it is possible to make it through the darkness and thrive on the other side of it all… on the other none of them really give you the view from the pit.  It’s ugly here and no-one wants to look at it.  Many of them give the briefest of descriptions of the ‘dark days’ and then focus on their steps/ideas/practices that got them out of the mess they were in.  I want to see the pit… did life feel as despairing & hopeless to them as it does to me most days?  Were they breathing in and out through lungs filled with un-heard screams?  Was the pit every bit as deep and dark and ugly as it feels to me today?  I would like to know the view from the pit…  Then I can feel better about my chances of making it out alive.

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Healing Emotional Self

I am working through this book right now – Healing your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame.  It’s a very good book… I have read about half the book so far and the section I am on right now is dealing with Identifying and Disengaging from our Inner Critic.  Some of the phrases Ms. Engel suggests to use (out loud) with your inner critic are the following:

*Shut up!

*Stop it!

*This is poison.  Stop it!

*Get off my back!

*This is garbage!

*These are lies.

*These are the same lies my mother/father told me.

*I don’t believe you.

*No more put-downs!

If you are anything like me your inner voice gives a running commentary on every thing you do or fail to do… I know my inner critic has been particularly vociferous of late.  I am working to silence those voices that tell me that everything I do is wrong and the thoughts I think are stupid.  It’s a long road and I find that the voices are loudest when my anxiety is running the most rampant.  Today is a bad day.  I must admit, I’m about a 6 on my Levels of Not Okayness and it feels like a struggle just trying to feel at home in my own skin.  But all of that aside, I am determined to use the tools I have been given and call on the strength I know I have in side and I WILL overcome this.  I am more than my failings and I am not what has been done to me.  I am strong and smart and determined to get through this.  I will find that inner integrity and I will cling to it like a life raft… I am not crazy or weak… I am enough and I can do this.


I took this photograph of a Blue Morpho...broken and beautiful still

Heart torn –

yet not given

the precious gift of death…

I can only breathe in..and out…

waiting…

Wishes and Dreams


I love the delicate poppies… they look so whimsical and fragile.  I love the way they sway in the slightest breeze.  I hope you enjoy this photo… It makes me feel happy every time I look at them.  Zebra Longwing

Poppies and Butterflies


Disclaimer:  This is a verbal vomit post… I have several things rattling ’round in my noggin and I have to vent this all out… this will likely jump from topic to topic and make little sense…so please forgive me ahead of time.

It’s that time of year… the time when we all look back over the passing year and evaluate  how we feel about all we have learned and gone through.  I have had so many high & low points this year… I am struggling with how to be honest about it all.  How do you sum up a year in your life… do you just hit the highlights?  There are those who insist on focusing only on the good things and not really acknowledging or giving space to the bad  – but I personally feel that this does not work for me.  It leaves my heart feeling cheated and the hurts become buried where they simply fester and turn into a lost temper over some trivial thing….(for example: at this exact moment my cat is meowing and I just want to scream at her…. She’s just a stupid animal and there is nothing wrong with her meowing – but with as stressed and sad and angry as I feel right now every little thing feels like a huge annoyance)

I started off the year working and living in another city from my husband… to be honest we weren’t sure at the time if our marriage was going to make it and being separated for a time seemed like a good idea – so I spent about 6 months living/working 4 hours away.  We were both miserable apart.  I hated every time I would visit him knowing that I would have to turn around in leave in about 30 hours… It was a difficult season in our marriage and in some ways as hard as it was that time apart strengthened our marriage.  (Not that I would want to do that again)  We’ve had so many ups and downs and I am not one of those married people who like to pretend that once you meet/marry your soul mate everything is just easy… that is a LIE.  It is not easy.  Love/marriage is a struggle and an active choice, one you must both chose and work on every day for the rest of your lives…but I will say that it is an easy choice to make.  I love being with my husband.  I love our laid back life, I love sitting with him on the couch as we each work on our separate projects and I love it when we are engaged with each other – playing games, watching movies, dreaming of our future.  It is a wonderful feeling knowing that every day when you wake up and make the choice to put God first, your spouse second that you are married to someone making that same choice.

I decided to quit my corporate ladder-climbing job and take a huge risk and work only part time (at a book store – yay!) and spend the rest of my time running a daylily nursery from my home… MAN has this been an adjustment….I spent the first few months in a state of sheer panic thinking there was no way I had what it took to do this… now I feel I have hit my stride and start to feel antsy when I have too many days in a row spent indoors… Oddly enough I enjoy pulling weeds and planting flowers.  It’s very hard work but so rewarding!  (sounds a bit like a cliche, doesn’t it? – oh well)

I reconnected with a few family members…the first in nearly 3 years…. It was terrifying… Family has become somewhat of a fearful subject with me having become estranged from pretty much my entire family in 2011 or so.  I felt this was a necessary choice for my own mental health and to be honest – though it has been a difficult choice that I would not recommend for everyone I am glad that I did it.  I have made more progress in my own mental and emotional healing since I severed the ties.  So anyway… I reconnected with my uncle and his fiance (now wife) first back in July and it was wonderful.  It was such a pleasant and welcome surprise to be able to tell them about my life, about my abuse, about my fears and concerns and to be met with warmth and love and understanding.   Part of me is still reeling from this and can scarcely believe my good fortune.  More recently I have connected with an aunt, uncle, and cousins… They have been unbelievably kind and caring and wonderful… They have welcomed me in their homes and hearts and have made such a  difference in my heart in such a short time.  It feels good to have some family again.  My brother told my aunt about my blog as an example of how crazy I am but his plan back-fired…she read my blog and now sees me – really sees me and cares about me and what I have been through.  She has been so supportive and I cannot thank her enough.  It’s amazing to me and so new…

I have learned so much this year… I have began taking Hebrew classes and can now read and write in Hebrew (Phonetically, anyway… still working on comprehension)  and next week I start my Biblical Hebrew class focusing on reading comprehension from the Book of Genesis.  I have learned other things too, unfortunately… I have learned of past betrayals from my family that have sent me reeling and hurt my heart in ways I cannot describe.  I have learned wonderful things… like my marriage is stronger than I thought it was and we can survive more that we thought we could…. I have learned to be kinder to myself this year than last year and hope that trend of kindness will continue year to year…

I have embraced a new passion this year – Photography – and have allowed myself to fall in love with this artistic expression.  I have had some photos published and even sold my first photo this year and cannot  be more excited about that… I never dreamed anyone would look at my art and see anything in it….see anything in me.  I am learning to see myself more clearly and to embrace my talents and see this as healthy and not dismiss it as pride or arrogance.

In my infinite clumsiness I have fallen up-stairs, down-stairs, careened off doorways and spilled boiling milk on myself (still healing from that last one)

I have visited new states and driven over a large portion of the eastern states on vacation.  Went on my first barely planned vacation which was scary and fun at the same time (I am a creature of habit and usually prefer to plan everything out on vacation – not normally one for winging it.)  This year we drove through state after state – often side-trekking onto back roads and I am surprised and happy to say that I LOVED it and hope to do the same in 2015.  I have made new friends and let go of old friends… I am learning more about myself every day and plan to continue that trend.

I have embraced the pain in my past in a way I never have before – acknowledging it and allowing it to wash over me and through me and recognizing it is a part of me that if I continue to deny will never lead me to the emotional health I deserve.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense outside of my head and do not plan to read over it to find out… Goodbye 2014… please take with you all the fears, resentment, anger and heartache you brought… I am ready for a little peace now…

Gift from my Husband


This was written for me by my husband…  He is such a gift!

 

My heart weeps for all your tears.

Your words convey your pain.

I ache to sing solace amidst your fears.

And brush away your rain.

I grieve with you each ill received.

Your voice cries out lost years.

Your plastered smile did not deceive.

I yearn to hold you near.

Your heart was buried amidst the shame.

Twas hidden among the scars.

You did not deserve an ounce of blame,

For untold lashes left to mar.

Voices maligned your every thought.

Mean words dashed your heart.

Cruel lessons were branded and severely taught,

And dark horrors did they impart.

To be raised by loathsome beasts at best,

And savage gods at worst,

I long to see your soul enjoy rest,

And all your wounds be nursed.

Each scar and tear is precious to me.

Your pain does not repel.

I chase each lingering shadow to flee,

And make the dark dispel.

Until your heart finds rest in my love,

Your head against my chest,

I’ll embrace you in mine arms my dove,

till serenity do you possess

You were punished for your sire’s sin.

Sacrificed to lust and pride.

You and your cousins given to perverse men,

While your childhood died.

You were offered up to protect their lies.

Innocence suffered mortal blows.

While they puff and guff and claim alibis,

Their children they laid low.

Their children used as human shields

Wounded youth left to die

How foolishly they abused the power they yield,

For their infants they did not even cry.

What cruelty seethes from lifeless eyes?

lips drip poison to their chins.

Injuries more upon your back now lie

you lost so they might win.

How willingly they strap you to the stake.

Your mother sheds not one tear.

Your father preaches to the mob so fake,

while they cling to his words as dear.

Vacant eyes stare as babies are sacrificed alive,

Cries rend the night.

Innocence voices are silenced by inhuman drives,

beautiful children see no more light.

The God they think they blameless serve,

will one day cast them out,

They will find the place that he reserved,

for monsters who acted devout.

God is merciful and loving and kind it’s true,

but one day time will end.

Justice will have His say and into hell will He spew,

those who did only pretend.

God saw each cut and bruise and lash,

which they willfully hid.

Their image would be fit for the trash,

if ever exposed what they did.

You were effectively silenced for many a year,

Your heart was left to die

Malevolent parents deceive all who give ear,

and you thought you were the lie.

My heart weeps for wrongs you have wearily bourne,

by callous hearts and dead eyes.

I pray I may care for the places you were savagely torn,

and weep with you while you cry.

No one deserves abuse and neglect.

least of all one so pure.

God tenderly caught each tear to collect,

forever in His arms He will assure.

The Way We Remember


Hopewell Baptist Church

 

I went back to my home-town not too long ago. There is a church there called Hopewell Baptist Church that is very old and no longer active – but the families of the original congregation still get together once a year and celebrate home-coming. Since I am a bit estranged from my family I chose to go at a time when I knew it would be abandoned. There is a cemetery there where some of my family is buried. I love to walk among the graves and touch the tombstones and commune with the people I miss so much.

 

Never Forgotten

The person I miss the most is my grandmother. Ever since she died I have felt like a part of my heart is missing. She was the one person who always saw me. She never made me feel invisible or inconvenient. She always made me feel special and seen and heard. She did not know all of the horrible things I was going through and scarcely a day goes by that I don’t wish I could have told her. I wish I could sit down with her now with a cup of tea and tell her all about it. I love her and I miss her so very much.

I am fascinated by how people choose to remember their loved ones… I saw these while walking on a boardwalk at Falling Creek Falls…

 

Farewell1

 

 

 

Goodbye

 

Miss you

 

 

Seeing these made me wonder how I could honor and remember… and I decided to let my photographs speak for themselves… I hope you enjoy them – there is nothing that I could say about them without sounding trite… these photos are my memorial… Friends of Hopewell, I pray you feel my deep love and kinship in these photos… my thoughts are with you…

 

Memorial2

 

 

Memorial 1

 

Waiting

 

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july2014 057

 

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july2014 081

 

 

All American Holiday


I love the feel of good old fashioned celebration…I enjoyed being amongst the crowd watching the fireworks and hearing the ooh’s aah’s and cheering.  It feels like community and makes me long for the America portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings.

American Fourth

 

American Fourth2

 

Dandilion Firework

 

Fireworks6


I turned 35 today…  Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically.  I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband.  I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me.  Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday.  Now it is what we do for each other every year..  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since.  Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest.  I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away.  I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want…  He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.

 

Invincible


When you have a painful history you are often tempted to avoid anything that reminds you of your past… to throw it all away and to vehemently deny your past. I am tempted all the time to just think of the future and shove thoughts of my past aside and pretend they did not change me drastically. When something comes up that takes me back in time – a smell, a song, a taste – I cringe away from those encounters. Today I embraced my past. I was 20 years old and invincible again. I put on my dark wash jeans, black tank top, black eye-liner and drove down the road with the windows down and the radio so loud I could feel the base line in my chest. I sang along to the songs and let my hand trail out the window catching the wind in my open palm. I went alone to the movies and had a great time. I recaptured a lost piece of myself and had so much fun and felt so free…free and not afraid. I don’t have many days like that – and this one was certainly special. I know every day is different and what gives me hope is thinking there are more days like today in my future… and knowing that I can take pieces of my past and bring them with me – I don’t have to abandon all of me back there. I don’t have to leave those parts of me behind. I feel invincible today… invincible and wild and something approaching healthy.