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Tag Archive: incest

Been a while…

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October 27, 2018

Some days I feel like I don’t exist anymore… and in some ways I suppose I don’t. I am not the girl I was years ago… I am not the woman I was a few months ago. I am changing all the time. For the longest time I fought that tooth and nail…I thought that was a bad thing. I thought that changing meant I was losing a piece of myself ~or worse ~ all of myself. I thought I would not be me anymore. Turns out – I wasn’t. But that is ok. I began this blog to journal my healing journey. I have been runnin’ a lot lately. I have been hidin’. I have been sneakin’ around hidin’ behind syntax and proper grammar. I have been flowerin’ up my language and tryin’ to be proper. Truth is, I am so angry. I am so dang mad I could scream…and have! I have screamed, cried, prayed… I have felt lost and confused and abandoned. I have felt needy and weak. It feels like the deeper I dig the more junk I find and I feel like I will never be ‘done’. Like I will always find more junk to dig out and toss away. My current list – well, it’s loooong – but I am working on it.

I found someone in my family decided to throw away a 20 year marriage, he has just thrown it away and utterly failed his wife and son. He has been cruel and abusive and I am so disappointed in him. He hurls insults and he is so hateful. I doubt I would even recognize him anymore. Not that we are close. Those days are long over.

I am still working on my trauma therapy, having been beaten, raped, molested, abused…I just want to live, you know? To really live. I find myself tiptoeing around – literally. I find myself trying to make myself small and not to be a bother. I find myself waiting on the pain to rain down on me. It is killing me. It is killing my marriage. My husband married me, but got this docile, hiding, timid woman instead. I don’t even know who I am some days.

I am … well, not thriving… but hoping to thrive. I am tired of living on bread and water when there is steak and wine. I am ready to have my heart feast instead of hide. I want to swim in the ocean of emotion … swim, and possibly, drown. But I am ok with that. I don’t want control anymore. I want to be lost.

Tags: abuse, art therapy, courage, divorce, failed marriage, family, fear, healing, heart, incest, marriage, marriage counseling, pain, photography, poetry, psychology, rape, reflections, relationships, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy, truth, writing

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Not okay

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October 13, 2017

I am so not okay… I am not going to be okay any time soon. I am broken and lost and hurt and angry… I am lost and confused… I am so very tired… Did I say “fine” when you asked how I was… ? Don’t worry… I just don’t know how to say how I am. I am… not okay. I am… so very… so profoundly broken.

Tags: abuse, anger, anxiety, art, beauty, being afraind, being real, child, child abuse, choices, damaged goods, depression, doubt, emotion, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, healing, honesty, hope, incest, longing, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy

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Feelings

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October 8, 2017

I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb. I feel so awkward most of the time. I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant. My heart hurts. I am so tired and so broken. I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times. I feel at war. At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity. I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair. I fear I will drown in it. I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are. Pieces of me. Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain. I ache. I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…

Tags: abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, choices, damaged goods, death, depression, doubt, dreams, emotion, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, god, healing, honest, honesty, hope, incest, longing, love, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, rape, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy, truth

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Anger

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June 11, 2017

I spent most of my life running away from my anger, afraid of it. I thought if I just was careful, if I just suppressed all the seething anger threatening to overtake me I would ‘win’. I thought it would prove that I made it out… prove that despite their best efforts they did not win… I was wrong! My anger only turned inward… poisoning me. It turned into cutting, addiction, apathy, defeat, depression. I am through. I am not doing this anymore. You know what you deserve? You- pretender- the one who tortured me, who abused me, who raped me, who molested me, who slapped me, who beat me… you know what you deserve…??>> You deserve this anger – you deserve this pain – you deserve to feel crazy and out of control! You deserve to be beaten, stoned, tortured. You deserve to be exposed and laid bare for all the world to see. You deserve to be reviled. You deserve to be seen as the disgusting, weak, pervert that you are! And don’t think that you are getting away with anything help-meet… Don’t think I don’t see you in the dark cowering…hiding in his shadow! You are just the same! You are just as bad! Do you think that not helping – that just watching and being the silent partner absolves you of guilt?!? Do you think your hands are any less dirty?! I am here to tell you, you are just as vile! You are just as poisonous! You are GUILTY!! I am DONE feeling crazy because of your choices! I am done twisting myself in knots trying to make sense of your lies! I am not crazy! It was not my fault ~ It is never a child’s fault for being abused and not having anyone to stand up for them! I am done taking the blame for the damage you caused! I am not playing this game anymore! You are nothing and you don’t get a say-so any more!

Tags: abuse, anger, anguish, brother, child-molestor, death, family, father, fear, guilty, incest, monster, mother, murder, pain, rape, rapist, revenge, survivor, terror, twisted, ugly, victim

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Giving Up

Filed under: Healing — 4 Comments

September 6, 2016

I am giving up on you. Every time I think of you I feel this overwhelming rush of disappointment. I wonder (sometimes) why I ever bothered. It’s not like you felt my love anyway. I tried so hard to love you. I cooked special dinners (which you criticized) I came to visit (which you took for granted) I doted on you and tried so hard to please you… but I give up… You never wanted to know me. You never liked anything that had to do with me. I feel like every time my heart was brought out for you to see it was criticized, judged, not good enough, too emotional, too much of a bleeding heart, not loving enough, not affectionate enough… too depressed, too dark… too sad… too silly… I am tired of it all. I give up…

I am enough. I am enough for me. I am good enough, smart enough, kind enough, loving enough… I am enough. I can do this.

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, child, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, father, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, fun, future, god, grandmother, grief, guilt, healing, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, intimacy, ledgends, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, pagan, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual abuse, suicide, surviving abuse, therapy, truth

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The Bees

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August 31, 2016

I’ve got that feeling again… the buzzing of angry bees in my chest. I wonder sometimes how long this struggle with anxiety will last? Will I carry this with me always? Will I ever get to the place where I can feel safe and at home in my own skin? What battle am I fighting today that I feel this way? When do I get to rest? I feel like I have been fighting one battle or another since the day I was born. I guess we all are in some form or fashion. I long for peace. I long for comfort… I long to feel. I have been numb for far too long. I guess I am finally learning where the bees come from… those angry bees that swarm in my chest and make it hard to breathe. I think they are all the emotions I have refused to let myself feel. Now to loose the bees and regain some measure of peace I am choosing to feel all the painful things that I would not (or could not) feel. I am crying and raging and curling up in a ball and allowing myself to feel small and vulnerable… I am fighting for me. I will win.

Tags: abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being real, blessings, change, child abuse, child molester, choices, damaged goods, depression, dreams, emotion, faith, family, fear, frustration, healing, honest, honesty, hope, incest, longing, love, memories, pain, photography, poetry, sexual abuse, therapy, truth

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Open Letter

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments

August 22, 2016

***WARNING: This may be triggering***

You know who you are. I knew you thought I wouldn’t remember… or maybe you thought I was too afraid to say anything… Maybe you are so supremely arrogant that you have yourself convinced that you did not do anything wrong… I do not pretend to know your motivations… I do not pretend to know what was on your sick mind. You know what I remember? I remember being held face down bent over a bed with my face pressed into the suffocating softness and thinking that this was how I would die. I remember the pain as you ripped into me – penetrating me harshly – feeling like a knife… I remember rough hands and a harsh voice. I remember longing for death that day and many, many days afterward. I vowed to never be vulnerable again… I vowed to never let you see me hurt… do you remember calling me a touch-me-not? Did you ever wonder why touch made me recoil? Why touch made me feel sick inside? I doubt it… everything was about you, wasn’t it? It was about your needs, your feelings, your ‘right’… I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of feeling like I am not allowed to feel. Yes, I have a lot of pain – but I am strong enough to feel it. I am strong enough to survive you – I am strong enough to survive anything. I revoke my vow. I can be vulnerable. You will never touch me again, but I will love being touched again. I will not live locked in my solitude. I will feel again and I will make a new life. I will survive you yet…

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, choices, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, fear, frustration, future, god, healing, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, longing, love, memories, metamorphosis, pain, photography, poetry, prayer, rape, recovery, sexual abuse, survivor, therapy, truth

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Grief

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment

August 21, 2016

Some days I am afraid that my grief will consume me. I fear that I may never recover from this pain. I keep trying to be normal… (whatever that means) but all I manage to do is to kill my heart – and hurt the heart I most desire to bring pleasure to. I keep striving for some sense of … what?… peace? healing? wholeness? normalcy? I don’t know. I just know I am in so much pain… every day… My heart feels like it is a mangled, half-dead thing, barely beating in my breast. I don’t know exactly how to feel all of this. I don’t know how to be in this much pain. I don’t know how to be this broken. I do know that I am tired of trying to be whole. I am tired of trying to be a girl who knows happiness. I was raped. I was abused. I was ignored. I was hurt. I was molested. I was made to feel as though I was garbage and that I did not matter at all. This does not define me. It was not my fault. I do not need to apologize for these things, and I deserve to feel. I deserve to feel the weight of my past without feeling like I am making the people around me uncomfortable. My pain does not make me a bad person. My flash-backs do not make me crazy. My fear does not have to consume me. I am not what I survived. My past matters. The defense mechanisms that I developed to survive deserve to be honored – but they are no longer needed. I am safe now and I will never be back where I was. I am worth grieving. This will not last forever. One day I will breathe again.

Tags: abuse, anger, being real, choices, damaged goods, emotion, faith, family, fear, grief, healing, hope, hurt, incest, longing, loss, pain, rape, surviving abuse, survivor

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Haunted

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November 9, 2015

Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.

I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…

Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…

My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.

It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…

Locked in the asylum of my mind.

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, path to healing, photography, poetry, prayer, preaching, rant, rape, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth

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Feeling Uneasy

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November 4, 2015

I hate this feeling… this vague uneasy feeling that something is wrong. I got in a slight accident yesterday and clipped a garbage can knocking my passenger mirror through my passenger side window… there was a loud bang and an explosion of glass flew through the car. It was terrifying… it was dark and foggy and I did not see the garbage can hanging out into the road. Now I cannot shake this. I feel paranoid and worried and really uneasy. It’s ridiculous… All evening with my husband at home I have felt like he was mad at me or unhappy with me… and he’s not – we talked things out and he’s very warm and understanding – it’s just me. I feel like the bottom is about to fall out. I know this is just the accident and the dust will settle soon… but in the mean-time I really want to get back to normal. I hate feeling so raw and vulnerable.

Tags: abuse, adult survivor of child sexual abuse, anger, anxiety, art, art therapy, beauty, being afraind, being real, betrayal, bitterness, blessings, broken, change, child, child abuse, child molester, child-molestor, choices, cold, cult, cutting, damaged goods, danger, death, depression, despair, doubt, dreams, emotion, emotional abuse, faith, family, farm life, father, fear, feeling, flowers, free-verse poetry, freedom, frustration, fun, future, god, goddess, grandmother, grief, guilt, happiness, healing, help, home, honest, honesty, hope, hopes, incest, incest survivor, intimacy, ledgends, life, lonely, longing, loss, love, marriage, memories, metamorphosis, monster, music, nature, overcoming abuse, pagan, pain, photography, prayer, preaching, rant, recovery, relationships, sadness, self-mutilation, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, stress, suicide, summer, survival, surviving, surviving abuse, surviving incest, surviving rape, survivor, therapy, toxic parents, truth

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Tag Archive: incest

Been a while…

Not okay

Feelings

Anger

Giving Up

The Bees

Open Letter

Grief

Haunted

Feeling Uneasy

Books I recommend

List of Thoughts

Daily Rambles

Older Thoughts

Contents

Welcome