Tag Archive: longing


Gift from my Husband


This was written for me by my husband…  He is such a gift!

 

My heart weeps for all your tears.

Your words convey your pain.

I ache to sing solace amidst your fears.

And brush away your rain.

I grieve with you each ill received.

Your voice cries out lost years.

Your plastered smile did not deceive.

I yearn to hold you near.

Your heart was buried amidst the shame.

Twas hidden among the scars.

You did not deserve an ounce of blame,

For untold lashes left to mar.

Voices maligned your every thought.

Mean words dashed your heart.

Cruel lessons were branded and severely taught,

And dark horrors did they impart.

To be raised by loathsome beasts at best,

And savage gods at worst,

I long to see your soul enjoy rest,

And all your wounds be nursed.

Each scar and tear is precious to me.

Your pain does not repel.

I chase each lingering shadow to flee,

And make the dark dispel.

Until your heart finds rest in my love,

Your head against my chest,

I’ll embrace you in mine arms my dove,

till serenity do you possess

You were punished for your sire’s sin.

Sacrificed to lust and pride.

You and your cousins given to perverse men,

While your childhood died.

You were offered up to protect their lies.

Innocence suffered mortal blows.

While they puff and guff and claim alibis,

Their children they laid low.

Their children used as human shields

Wounded youth left to die

How foolishly they abused the power they yield,

For their infants they did not even cry.

What cruelty seethes from lifeless eyes?

lips drip poison to their chins.

Injuries more upon your back now lie

you lost so they might win.

How willingly they strap you to the stake.

Your mother sheds not one tear.

Your father preaches to the mob so fake,

while they cling to his words as dear.

Vacant eyes stare as babies are sacrificed alive,

Cries rend the night.

Innocence voices are silenced by inhuman drives,

beautiful children see no more light.

The God they think they blameless serve,

will one day cast them out,

They will find the place that he reserved,

for monsters who acted devout.

God is merciful and loving and kind it’s true,

but one day time will end.

Justice will have His say and into hell will He spew,

those who did only pretend.

God saw each cut and bruise and lash,

which they willfully hid.

Their image would be fit for the trash,

if ever exposed what they did.

You were effectively silenced for many a year,

Your heart was left to die

Malevolent parents deceive all who give ear,

and you thought you were the lie.

My heart weeps for wrongs you have wearily bourne,

by callous hearts and dead eyes.

I pray I may care for the places you were savagely torn,

and weep with you while you cry.

No one deserves abuse and neglect.

least of all one so pure.

God tenderly caught each tear to collect,

forever in His arms He will assure.

The Way We Remember


Hopewell Baptist Church

 

I went back to my home-town not too long ago. There is a church there called Hopewell Baptist Church that is very old and no longer active – but the families of the original congregation still get together once a year and celebrate home-coming. Since I am a bit estranged from my family I chose to go at a time when I knew it would be abandoned. There is a cemetery there where some of my family is buried. I love to walk among the graves and touch the tombstones and commune with the people I miss so much.

 

Never Forgotten

The person I miss the most is my grandmother. Ever since she died I have felt like a part of my heart is missing. She was the one person who always saw me. She never made me feel invisible or inconvenient. She always made me feel special and seen and heard. She did not know all of the horrible things I was going through and scarcely a day goes by that I don’t wish I could have told her. I wish I could sit down with her now with a cup of tea and tell her all about it. I love her and I miss her so very much.

I am fascinated by how people choose to remember their loved ones… I saw these while walking on a boardwalk at Falling Creek Falls…

 

Farewell1

 

 

 

Goodbye

 

Miss you

 

 

Seeing these made me wonder how I could honor and remember… and I decided to let my photographs speak for themselves… I hope you enjoy them – there is nothing that I could say about them without sounding trite… these photos are my memorial… Friends of Hopewell, I pray you feel my deep love and kinship in these photos… my thoughts are with you…

 

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Memorial 1

 

Waiting

 

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All American Holiday


I love the feel of good old fashioned celebration…I enjoyed being amongst the crowd watching the fireworks and hearing the ooh’s aah’s and cheering.  It feels like community and makes me long for the America portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings.

American Fourth

 

American Fourth2

 

Dandilion Firework

 

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I turned 35 today…  Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically.  I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband.  I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me.  Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday.  Now it is what we do for each other every year..  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since.  Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest.  I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away.  I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want…  He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.

 

Feeling Despirate


I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless.  I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him.  I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…

Beauty ~ Dew Covered Rose


I snapped this the other morning and bled the color nearly out of it… hope you enjoy…Today is one of those days I feel like the color is draining from my life… so I thought this photo would be appropriate.

 

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Invincible


When you have a painful history you are often tempted to avoid anything that reminds you of your past… to throw it all away and to vehemently deny your past. I am tempted all the time to just think of the future and shove thoughts of my past aside and pretend they did not change me drastically. When something comes up that takes me back in time – a smell, a song, a taste – I cringe away from those encounters. Today I embraced my past. I was 20 years old and invincible again. I put on my dark wash jeans, black tank top, black eye-liner and drove down the road with the windows down and the radio so loud I could feel the base line in my chest. I sang along to the songs and let my hand trail out the window catching the wind in my open palm. I went alone to the movies and had a great time. I recaptured a lost piece of myself and had so much fun and felt so free…free and not afraid. I don’t have many days like that – and this one was certainly special. I know every day is different and what gives me hope is thinking there are more days like today in my future… and knowing that I can take pieces of my past and bring them with me – I don’t have to abandon all of me back there. I don’t have to leave those parts of me behind. I feel invincible today… invincible and wild and something approaching healthy.

Arguing with Zeus


I was cleaning some weeds out of my flower bed when the storm blew in… first the darkening sky, then the wind that felt so good against my flushed skin… covered in sweat from the effort and humidity… then the storm crashed over me… it was like the opening of a faucet… no gentle rain, this… this was angry, stinging, fat drops of rain that were punishing as they hit. I refused to be swayed and defiantly knelt in the now-mud, pulling weeds and trying to resist the temptation to shake my fist angrily at the sky in some clichéd move. Soon, soaked to the skin and nearly blinded by the water running over my face I gave in… driven in by the lightning and thunder popping all around me. I almost dared the storm to strike me… feeling angry and spoiling for a fight – not that a fight against nature is one I am likely to win… Still…. the storm darkened sky did not disappoint – nor did the wet leaves in the soft after-storm light… Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them… storm-weary and muttering at the sky.

Stormy Skies

Thunder in the distance

After the Storm (2)

Opening Up


This has  been an emotional and triumphant week for me.  I never imagined that I would be in this particular place.  On Wednesday I was asked to be a guest speaker for a small group.  I was asked to simply share my story and was told that many of the women attending would benefit from this.  I spoke to a group of women (and 2 men) and told them my story.  I told them about this life, this pain, this fear and this healing.  It was terrifying to speak to strangers so openly…to lay my heart open to them and trust that they would handle it with loving-kindness.  The response was over-whelming.  I was so moved by their compassion… and so much more… they seemed so genuinely touched by my words… they were moved to share their own stories and we hugged and cried and prayed together.  These wonderful people opened their homes, lives and hearts to me and trusted me with their truth.  There are no words for how powerful and moving it was.  On Sunday we stopped half-way home and visited my aunt and uncle – the first family I have had contact with in over two years.  I was able to open up to them and to share my heart with them as well… and they received me without rejection or criticism.  After so many years of silence I am finding my voice and I feel like a new woman.  I am not saying that I am suddenly healed after years of abuse, fear, anger etc… but I feel a new strength… This week brought so many surprises… so much hope… and for the first time in a long time I feel that my recovery WILL one day be complete.  I know life is a journey and I have far yet to go, but I know I will be ok… I am no longer focused on surviving my life… I am finding ways to live my life and to help others do the same.

Self Portrait


Pain

After years of self-abuse (cutting, drinking, drugs etc) I finally found the strength to cry out for help – that is what has gotten me to where I am today… I could not have made it this far without help and I would not have received help until I got brave enough to ask for it… I nearly waited too late to ask someone to take the knife out of my hand.

 

Help Me

I am finally seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel… and though I still have the occasional flash back, it no longer cripples me nor does it define me.  My past is a part of what made me the woman I am today but it is not all that I am.  I know it does not have to consume me.  I have battled my way through terror, pain, frantic desperation and humiliation but I am here.  I am alive… possibly for the first time in my life I am not just existing…. I am LIVING.