Sunlight
streaming like rain
filtering through the trees
kissing my face like a lover
….breathless….
Tag Archive: pain
Cool invisbile
fingers of wind gently stroke
the tears from my face
All I see is you
your once familiar face
now ever pain-blurred
How to control this
deep ache felt with every beat
of a heart – once loved?
I am haunted by you.
You dog my steps in
the silence of the night
and I lie awake …
tensed for the sound
of your rage.
Drifting off, exhausted,
I startle to every sound,
every breath the house takes
makes me catch my own…
heart pounding…
waiting for pain.
How do I exorcise you
from a place
you never lived?
How do I, instead,
evict you from my heart…
to live no longer haunted?
To breathe again..
Free?
Days like today are hard…
reeling from loss and hurt
on my way to joy, but the journey
withers my heart sometimes… I
need the night sky, the wind
in my hair… the
naked fingers of moonlight
gently stroking my skin…
I need to feel alive…
No other way to
swim in these currents of grief
only by surviving, striving,
rambling my way to joy
ramshackle though it may be.
One day this shadow will lessen…
will give way to the light.
When I was held down,
Helpless in that dark place
Abused…
Tormented…
Yearning to be free
Only to feel shackled anew daily
Unable to think or
Dream of a future
Enveloped in despair
Shaking in fear, anger, loneliness… still
I hoped… I yearned… longed for
Release, rescue…seeking
Escape in the wrong hands
Desperate for safety…
Telling myself all the same
Old lies, whispering
Destruction to my own heart
Even while yearning for
Salvation.
Tired of living in chains
Relying on my
Own strength… a lie… only
Your strength can free me… can
Make me new. I struggle
Even now… but change is on the way…
Hope will not be denied
Eternity is housed in the faintest
Whisper of His voice.
I am nothing… but Him? He is
Love, Passion, Power… Freedom
Lies in His embrace… He will
Make me new… In Him
Alone lies the answer… and I
Know He will provide.
Even though I fail, even though I
Stumble… even in my shame I won’t stop
Trying to move forward
Reaching out for the Throne of Grace.
Only then will I be free,
New in heart, mind and soul
Given a new heart
A new name
Named HIS for eternity, my
Desires met in HIM
Bowing before the throne of
Eternity, humbly loved, forever
Amazed by HIS beauty and grace
Unable to imageine or ever again
Think of a life without love…
Immediately and irrevocably
Forever changed….
Undone and remade by
Love HIMSELF….Jesus Christ
It has been far too long since I went on a hike with my camera. My life had become such that it was rare for me to find joy in anything at all, let alone my hobbies…and peace was so far away that I forgot what it felt like… It has been a tumultuous few years and now I find myself embraced by peace again… and that longing to delve into the wonder of nature….even if it is as simple as a walk in the woods near my home…
This hike was exactly what my soul needed… I can’t wait to share with you what I find on my next hike.
I am watching the day die slowly
As the cicadas and frogs
Begin to sing loudly
Drowning out the sounds
Of the city around me
And the light fades to
Gold, then gray…
Enriching the colors
Then draining them…
I feel the heat of the
Fading day against
My skin…somehow
Comforting and not
Oppressing despite the
Lack of a breeze.
I feel so alone, yet
Somehow not lonely,
My mind reaching
Into the silence, searching
For You….Hoping to find
Myself… at last.
I have found such unexpected joy lately. I am not ready to get into it yet…but it has been a very long time since I felt beautiful, since I felt joyous, since I felt like I had something to offer. I have had someone walk back into my life recently that reminded me who I was… and who I can and will be again.. Such an unexpected joy. I feel powerful and passionate and alive and beautiful and full of potential. I am awash in my hobbies and pleasures and passions and interests… I feel like I am coming back to life. This person has showered me in compliments, in passion, in adoration, in teasing and humor and has brought me back to myself… the me I was years ago… I left myself behind so long ago that I was lost in my pain and anger and confusion and I forgot who I was. I forgot who I was created to be. I am starting to remember. I am coming alive again… adrift and awash in Joy… finding a love I thought I had lost… finding the me I thought I had lost… Thank you my dear, wonderful, unexpected love… thank you for bringing me back to life.
I remember splashing in puddles
Clomping and stomping
All down the road
Letting the water spray us in
Little geysers, dirty and fun, the
Evening sun turning the sky golden,
Delighting our eyes and
Hearts. Such a glimpse…staggering
Evidence of who you could have been.
Realizing the mother i could have had
My heart shatters remembering your
Onerous, offensive touches
Mortifying me…torturing my soul.
She sat quietly in class
Never hearing a word-
Her mind screaming,
Racing, ravaging her thoughts…
She sat calmly, pen in hand;
Honor student….horror filled
And anguished.
Automatically, she made conversation…
She passed tests
She chatted with friends
And longed to die
To escape this pain…
She sat quietly in church
Longing for salvation
Imprisoned by religion
Preached at by her tormentors
Looking for horns
Disguised as halos.
She sat quietly at home
And smiled at the monsters
While cutting the pain
Of her soul out of her skin…
Watching the blood ooze and
Drip…with dry eyes
And emotionless face
Hiding the raging terror
In her heart.
She sat quietly in the therapist’s chair
Giving reassurances to the one
Who was supposed to help –
Praying they see
Behind her stillness
To the utter turmoil within
Not trusting anyone or anything…
Somehow comforting them
For her pain
And living with the hopelessness
That almost felt like a friend.
She stood quietly in the bathroom…
Staring at her calm face
Unwilling to meet her own gaze,
Unable to keep avoiding the horror…
The pain ravaging her from inside
And without warning-
Almost in slow motion
The avalanche began…
All the silence broke
The tears came in a torrent,
The rage, the pain…
The still, quiet girl is gone
Replaced with a woman
With a face full of anguish
Unable to sit quietly any longer –
Not willing to still her face
For the comfort of strangers
Haunted and crumbling
Shattered
Shuttering violently with each
Invasive
Intrusive
Memory.
Stumbling and falling
All along the path
To be whole.
captivatingbitter 