captivatingbitter

So many memories have been flooding back to me lately.  There is something about the Fall that brings me back to my childhood the experiences I had then.  The smell of hay, the crackle of a bonfire, the taste of chili, the crunch of leaves underfoot and the sight of pumpkins appearing on door-steps and front porches.  My senses are alive with things remembered.  Things forgotten are knocking on the door of my sub-conscience.  It is a strange feeling to have so much anger and fear co-mingled with such a sense of nostalgia and contentment.  I remember the sound of my grandmother’s voice… the soft touch of her hand on my cheek… and the twinkling blue beauty of her eyes.  I also remember the tense atmosphere of my home life and the dread that I grew up feeling.  I remember the harsh unpredictability of my father and the anxiety that would flood me when I heard his truck pull in the yard.  I would jump up and feel this flood of fear and adrenaline – knowing that there was no way of predicting what we were in for when he walked through the door… not knowing which dad we were going to get.  It is strangely amazing to me how so much good and bad can be so intertwined in one life.  I know that’s the way it is… that’s life… but it still seems to defy logic.  My head is buzzing with memory flashes…

…blood flowing from my wrist after my first suicide attempt and the panic/relief that I had failed… the boisterous joy of family gatherings and playing with my cousins… the humiliating, painful, surprising “smack” of my father’s hand across my face… the anticipation of a hay-ride at dark with story-telling and song… the relief I would feel after cutting myself and watching the blood flow down my legs… the smell of fresh pumpkins and the mess we would create when we carved them… the constant feeling that no matter what I did I would never be more than a disappointment… the thrill of watching for shooting stars in the cool evenings on New Moon nights…

I feel like a merry-go-round a-la Tim Burton.  I honestly don’t know what to feel…  I just have to continue on this journey to solidify this into one life… and make peace with that life.