I couldn’t resist the cliche of this photo project… I know they are every where, but I must admit it was a fun photo afternoon …
I love the way this one turned out….
Afternoon sunlight + blinds = photo fun in the afternoon…
I enjoyed the colors in this one…. and I played with exposure too to give it an almost day-dream quality…
I don’t know why but there’s just something so lonesome about a train… I spotted this one and had to snap a quick shot… I love the marriage of industry and nature in this scene…
I really enjoyed hiking here at Suwanee River State Park, the weather was perfect and the trail along the river was beautiful… I happened to hit it at that golden time of day when the light and shadows were playing off each other nicely…
OK – well that’s a rather lighthearted title but this is a heavy post… I have unearthed new memories… very vivid ones and they are terrifying me. I feel like I am losing my mind and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings that threaten to drown me.
***Disclaimer: this may be triggering to some – read with caution***
Here’s what I remember:
I am young (Don’t know what age, exactly) and I am being forced face down onto a soft surface (bed? couch?…) and I am wearing a dress and my panties have been pulled down and I am being raped from behind and I am beyond terror and the weight of the man on top of me pressing me down makes it impossible to breathe…
I feel my heart start to race and my insides twist just remembering this and writing it down feels dangerous… like he’s going to read this and know it’s me and come after me (even though I have protected myself with anonymity in this blog) I am so afraid sometimes. I hear a car door outside and jump and my heart will pound and I’ll have to calm myself down and remind myself that he is not coming after me. Some days I wonder how long will I carry this… and when will the remembering be over finally? I thought I was done with that part and I have made peace with the gaping holes in my memory… but they are determined to surface. I pray this is the last of them. I am ready for this chapter to close and the healing chapter to be in full swing. I know I have made lots of progress and I am proud of the work I have done to get this far. I have worked so very hard to be where I am and I do not want to dismiss that with my desire to be all the way better… and I also do not want to be content here… I know there is more out there for me and I desire and deserve all the wonderful things ahead of me.
I have a love/hate relationship with self-help/personal-growth books… On the one hand it is helpful and gratifying to know that it is possible to make it through the darkness and thrive on the other side of it all… on the other none of them really give you the view from the pit. It’s ugly here and no-one wants to look at it. Many of them give the briefest of descriptions of the ‘dark days’ and then focus on their steps/ideas/practices that got them out of the mess they were in. I want to see the pit… did life feel as despairing & hopeless to them as it does to me most days? Were they breathing in and out through lungs filled with un-heard screams? Was the pit every bit as deep and dark and ugly as it feels to me today? I would like to know the view from the pit… Then I can feel better about my chances of making it out alive.
I am working through this book right now – Healing your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame. It’s a very good book… I have read about half the book so far and the section I am on right now is dealing with Identifying and Disengaging from our Inner Critic. Some of the phrases Ms. Engel suggests to use (out loud) with your inner critic are the following:
*Shut up!
*Stop it!
*This is poison. Stop it!
*Get off my back!
*This is garbage!
*These are lies.
*These are the same lies my mother/father told me.
*I don’t believe you.
*No more put-downs!
If you are anything like me your inner voice gives a running commentary on every thing you do or fail to do… I know my inner critic has been particularly vociferous of late. I am working to silence those voices that tell me that everything I do is wrong and the thoughts I think are stupid. It’s a long road and I find that the voices are loudest when my anxiety is running the most rampant. Today is a bad day. I must admit, I’m about a 6 on my Levels of Not Okayness and it feels like a struggle just trying to feel at home in my own skin. But all of that aside, I am determined to use the tools I have been given and call on the strength I know I have in side and I WILL overcome this. I am more than my failings and I am not what has been done to me. I am strong and smart and determined to get through this. I will find that inner integrity and I will cling to it like a life raft… I am not crazy or weak… I am enough and I can do this.
Heart torn –
yet not given
the precious gift of death…
I can only breathe in..and out…
waiting…
It’s nice how comforting pets can be when you are sad… I was curled up on the couch in a funk when my two cats insisted on lots of attention… they were so cute and earnest that I could not help but snap a few photos…
I struggle with depression and anxiety and I am grateful for anything that helps me feel better. I get so lonely sometimes, feeling trapped inside my own head with all my doubts, fears and racing thoughts.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore —
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over —
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
~Langston Hughes
I love the delicate poppies… they look so whimsical and fragile. I love the way they sway in the slightest breeze. I hope you enjoy this photo… It makes me feel happy every time I look at them. 
I took a walk down the road today. The weather was perfect and I snapped a hand-full of photos…I thought I would share them with you.
I fell in love with these beautiful colors…
This green is a lovely shocking contrast to the winter browns around here…
The sky was so beautiful…I love crisp cool winter days… It’s nice to live down a dirt road… I love the peace and quiet out here in the country…
captivatingbitter 