I feel like I am in prison. Trapped between two lives. The life I have always lived, the life that kept me safe growing up … the life that keeps my head down and keeps me busy with things, that keeps every emotion under tight control…. and the life I long for. This life would be free… it would be an emotional roller-coaster and it frankly frightens me. I am afraid that if I embrace this life – if I just allow myself to feel what-ever I feel in the moment that I will sometimes be cruel, that I will sometimes be snappy and inconsiderate… I am afraid that I will make mistakes while I am learning how to live outside my own head and alienate people. Playing it safe is getting me nowhere…but it is the only thing I have ever known. The only time I wore my emotions on my skin was a time when I did not really care what anyone else thought – they could just take me or leave me just as I am. I was arrogant and terrified at the same time. I don’t know how to find that peace inside. I don’t know how to be what I am supposed to be.
I am a dead girl. I died a long time ago. I died when you raped me and what-ever it was deep inside me that made me “me” is gone. I don’t know how I am still walking around most days. I suppose I do it because I am on auto-pilot and the other me is at the controls, making sure I smile in the appropriate places and say the right things and hold my body posture and facial expressions in the right way so that no one will know they are talking to a zombie.
How do you bring a dead girl back to life? How do you convince her that she is safe when she doesn’t even know what “safe” means? How do you get her to trust you when you have despised her – hated her all these years. How, now, do I draw her out and show her compassion and delight. How do I warm her cold body and tell her that even though it was not ok what happened to her that it SHE will be ok… at least she will be one day.
How do I figure out how to forgive myself? I can forgive others. I have… my abusers – I forgive them all – I release them to God. I pray for them… but myself??!? I feel utterly lost here.
The dead girl… maybe I don’t bring her back to life… maybe I bury her and the robot and find out who I am without either of them helping me through life. Maybe there is another me in here … that super-secret special me who loves fresh picked flowers, slow dances, warm embraces, laughter… she loves the way long dresses feels brushing against her legs, she loves to twirl and blow dandelions to make wishes. She loves to be held and rocked and have her hair brushed… she loves surprises and presents and the smell of fresh-baked bread. She cries at the sad parts of books and movies (even if she has read/seen them a hundred times). She loves to paint and sing and take long bubble baths. She is very tenderhearted and her feelings are easily hurt. She is fierce and protective and makes lots of mistakes.
How do I do this? How do I move on from what I had to become to what I truly am? This feels impossible and I feel so lost and alone and afraid. I pray for help…God, please help me…
captivatingbitter 