Watching the rain
Stream past the balcony
Dripping from
Lampposts
Below me…
I feel the absence
Of you
And I embrace
This peace..
No slamming doors
Or breaking dishes…
No raised voices
Or near *constant* weight
Of disappointment
…never enough…
…always too much…
I feel another wound
Stitched closed
By glimmering
Threads of rain
Under a cold
Gray sky
Another layer of fear
Washed away in the storm.
November wind,
you are my lover
teasing forth pink buds
and prickling my skin
with your cool caress…
Wringing from my lips
sighs of satisfaction
etched with
an aching longing.
Your invisible fingers
dance along my neck
and your soughing sigh
thrills me…
your voice my
private symphony…
I find myself
languid in your
cool embrace…. seduced,
aching and satisfied.
So painfully sweet
Was that first stretching
That deep touch
That ‘Being known’
Painful….for it being
Only
Sweet for it being
First
I ache now
In the absence of you
Knowing
The only
Will haunt me
Knowing
The first
Will be last
Exquisite was that
First drink
So deep
So thorough
Ecstasy
Yet…
So painful, the removal
Of you from me
First…
And last…
So passionate, the
Rough kneading, needing
Touch…
Longing embodied…
Yet so painful…
The cold vacuum
Left by your warmth
First…
And last…
Last dance
Last glance
Last lingering touch
Last wavering goodbye
Hands lingering
On breast
Back
Hips
Lips
….last…
I still feel the
absence of that
small gold band
missing from my
finger – yet the
weight of it
is so heavy
carried in
my heart.
I am drowning in
the dreams I once
held dear. Hope
of happiness and
passion and a family
unbreakable… immutable…
yet… now utterly broken
shattered beyond
any hope, any trust
any love…
I have no hope
of you anymore…
This weight on my finger…
the absence of you..
now it feels like
freedom.
I had forgotten what love tasted like
Until it melted on my tongue
Today… filling me
With the flavor of you.
Now it lingers…
Informing every
Breath…
Every thought…
Inescapable…
Delectable…
Mouth-watering
Delicious.
My heart quickens
My breath catches
And every inhalation
Carries with it
The essence of you
The taste of love…
A flavor long forgotten
Lost to me…
Or so I thought…
Until today…
Life renewed
Revived
In a glorious moment
Explosive joy!
The winter-shorn
trees scratch calligraphy
against the sky and
I strain my eyes
to see what
truth lies there.
Straining my ears,
I listen to the
whispering leaves
and wait
breathless
for the words
they speak.
My heart
yearns… longs
to know their
secrets… to feel
their comfort.
To be swept away.
A brittle leaf on the
October wind.
There are endless
Hours of conversation between us…
Among the laughter, tears… joy
Never far away… but – grief stays close as well…
Knowing you has helped me to know myself…
You have been a guide and a mirror to me
On this strange journey… one
Unlike any I have ever experienced. I am
Feeling things I thought long dead
Only to see them rise again, full of hope…
Relieved to find that – against all odds
Love is possible for me…
Only you can say you know me as you do…
Vulnerable, hesitant, afraid… yet
Intrigued and embracing fearlessness and
Never giving up hope even when I
Grasp for bravery, and find it eludes me…
Mesmerized by your steadfast love… I find
Eternity staring back at me.
She sat quietly in class
Never hearing a word-
Her mind screaming,
Racing, ravaging her thoughts…
She sat calmly, pen in hand;
Honor student….horror filled
And anguished.
Automatically, she made conversation…
She passed tests
She chatted with friends
And longed to die
To escape this pain…
She sat quietly in church
Longing for salvation
Imprisoned by religion
Preached at by her tormentors
Looking for horns
Disguised as halos.
She sat quietly at home
And smiled at the monsters
While cutting the pain
Of her soul out of her skin…
Watching the blood ooze and
Drip…with dry eyes
And emotionless face
Hiding the raging terror
In her heart.
She sat quietly in the therapist’s chair
Giving reassurances to the one
Who was supposed to help –
Praying they see
Behind her stillness
To the utter turmoil within
Not trusting anyone or anything…
Somehow comforting them
For her pain
And living with the hopelessness
That almost felt like a friend.
She stood quietly in the bathroom…
Staring at her calm face
Unwilling to meet her own gaze,
Unable to keep avoiding the horror…
The pain ravaging her from inside
And without warning-
Almost in slow motion
The avalanche began…
All the silence broke
The tears came in a torrent,
The rage, the pain…
The still, quiet girl is gone
Replaced with a woman
With a face full of anguish
Unable to sit quietly any longer –
Not willing to still her face
For the comfort of strangers
Haunted and crumbling
Shattered
Shuttering violently with each
Invasive
Intrusive
Memory.
Stumbling and falling
All along the path
To be whole.
I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 5 years. I have made so many mistakes on my journey to be whole. I have to live with that. I hate that I abandoned myself, though. I used to believe that I had something to offer…some step on my healing journey that might help someone else. Then… I abandoned all of my former belief in this journey and went dark… I am sorry for that. My mistakes in healing are just as important as my triumphs… maybe more so because they show the honest truth and may make those of you on this broken journey with me feel less alone…less in the dark. I am digging deep, finding my roots, feeling the night without being invaded by the dark… come along, if you wish. I would love to have you on this journey with me… maybe we can help each other heal.
captivatingbitter 