Cool invisbile
fingers of wind gently stroke
the tears from my face
All I see is you
your once familiar face
now ever pain-blurred
How to control this
deep ache felt with every beat
of a heart – once loved?
Tag Archive: survivor
I am haunted by you.
You dog my steps in
the silence of the night
and I lie awake …
tensed for the sound
of your rage.
Drifting off, exhausted,
I startle to every sound,
every breath the house takes
makes me catch my own…
heart pounding…
waiting for pain.
How do I exorcise you
from a place
you never lived?
How do I, instead,
evict you from my heart…
to live no longer haunted?
To breathe again..
Free?
It has been far too long since I went on a hike with my camera. My life had become such that it was rare for me to find joy in anything at all, let alone my hobbies…and peace was so far away that I forgot what it felt like… It has been a tumultuous few years and now I find myself embraced by peace again… and that longing to delve into the wonder of nature….even if it is as simple as a walk in the woods near my home…
This hike was exactly what my soul needed… I can’t wait to share with you what I find on my next hike.
I have found such unexpected joy lately. I am not ready to get into it yet…but it has been a very long time since I felt beautiful, since I felt joyous, since I felt like I had something to offer. I have had someone walk back into my life recently that reminded me who I was… and who I can and will be again.. Such an unexpected joy. I feel powerful and passionate and alive and beautiful and full of potential. I am awash in my hobbies and pleasures and passions and interests… I feel like I am coming back to life. This person has showered me in compliments, in passion, in adoration, in teasing and humor and has brought me back to myself… the me I was years ago… I left myself behind so long ago that I was lost in my pain and anger and confusion and I forgot who I was. I forgot who I was created to be. I am starting to remember. I am coming alive again… adrift and awash in Joy… finding a love I thought I had lost… finding the me I thought I had lost… Thank you my dear, wonderful, unexpected love… thank you for bringing me back to life.
I remember splashing in puddles
Clomping and stomping
All down the road
Letting the water spray us in
Little geysers, dirty and fun, the
Evening sun turning the sky golden,
Delighting our eyes and
Hearts. Such a glimpse…staggering
Evidence of who you could have been.
Realizing the mother i could have had
My heart shatters remembering your
Onerous, offensive touches
Mortifying me…torturing my soul.
It is a strange thing to me….to be known… It is often easier to write these thoughts out and put them in the ether knowing that they are going out to strangers who do not know me and who I will, likely, never meet… It is another thing entirely for someone who knows me (and who I know) to read them… It makes me feel laid bare…exposed… And I carry the burden of knowing that my life has been what it was and it makes me afraid to meet their eyes…lest I find there the pity and the pain echoing in their gaze… I find myself tempted to edit…to temper the tempest within my breast to make those who have to look me in the eyes more comfortable with the rumble of thunder behind my smile… Then, sometimes, something so profound, so beautiful happens…. Someone discovers my tempest, rides out my storm, feels my pain…and meets my gaze unflinchingly – unafraid and with such compassion, such acceptance… it is truly humbling. And to those sacred few… thank you. Thank you for allowing me this. Thank you for being willing to see beyond the surface and to stare into the dark with me…. for being willing to listen for the sound of the storm and be unafraid of the lightening.
Some days I feel like I don’t exist anymore… and in some ways I suppose I don’t. I am not the girl I was years ago… I am not the woman I was a few months ago. I am changing all the time. For the longest time I fought that tooth and nail…I thought that was a bad thing. I thought that changing meant I was losing a piece of myself ~or worse ~ all of myself. I thought I would not be me anymore. Turns out – I wasn’t. But that is ok. I began this blog to journal my healing journey. I have been runnin’ a lot lately. I have been hidin’. I have been sneakin’ around hidin’ behind syntax and proper grammar. I have been flowerin’ up my language and tryin’ to be proper. Truth is, I am so angry. I am so dang mad I could scream…and have! I have screamed, cried, prayed… I have felt lost and confused and abandoned. I have felt needy and weak. It feels like the deeper I dig the more junk I find and I feel like I will never be ‘done’. Like I will always find more junk to dig out and toss away. My current list – well, it’s loooong – but I am working on it.
I found someone in my family decided to throw away a 20 year marriage, he has just thrown it away and utterly failed his wife and son. He has been cruel and abusive and I am so disappointed in him. He hurls insults and he is so hateful. I doubt I would even recognize him anymore. Not that we are close. Those days are long over.
I am still working on my trauma therapy, having been beaten, raped, molested, abused…I just want to live, you know? To really live. I find myself tiptoeing around – literally. I find myself trying to make myself small and not to be a bother. I find myself waiting on the pain to rain down on me. It is killing me. It is killing my marriage. My husband married me, but got this docile, hiding, timid woman instead. I don’t even know who I am some days.
I am … well, not thriving… but hoping to thrive. I am tired of living on bread and water when there is steak and wine. I am ready to have my heart feast instead of hide. I want to swim in the ocean of emotion … swim, and possibly, drown. But I am ok with that. I don’t want control anymore. I want to be lost.
Hi, my name is Becka and I am codependent. I got a chip at my first CoDA meeting and I am taking things one day at a time. I am step by step journeying back into my life ~ breaking free of this disease and learning to be healthy and whole. I know I have a long uphill battle ahead. I know this won’t be easy. This codependency has seeped its way into nearly every aspect of my life and the depths of my mental illness has permeated me to my very core. I go days, sometimes, feeling nothing at all.
Numb…such a hateful four-letter word. I used to think it equated to safety but now I see it for what it is. The destroyer of all my humanity. My empathy, compassion, warmth, silliness, passion, anger… all faded to apathy and numbness until my world was all grey and I forgot what color looked like… what color felt like. I forgot what love felt like, what warmth felt like… I even forgot the fierce red heat of anger, I forgot the beautiful blues of sadness and all the vibrant hues of desire.
I found the stair-case…now I am climbing out… Becka-Dragon Girl… hear me roar…
captivatingbitter 