I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions… I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them. I have hidden from my heart for so long… I have felt like a chameleon. I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself. I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself. How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me? What do I do if I never figure out who I am? I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid. I feel like I lost this fight today…. Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment… I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin. I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war. I can do this. I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice. I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now. No more running away! I will FIGHT! I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.
Tag Archive: survivor
I spent most of my life running away from my anger, afraid of it. I thought if I just was careful, if I just suppressed all the seething anger threatening to overtake me I would ‘win’. I thought it would prove that I made it out… prove that despite their best efforts they did not win… I was wrong! My anger only turned inward… poisoning me. It turned into cutting, addiction, apathy, defeat, depression. I am through. I am not doing this anymore. You know what you deserve? You- pretender- the one who tortured me, who abused me, who raped me, who molested me, who slapped me, who beat me… you know what you deserve…??>> You deserve this anger – you deserve this pain – you deserve to feel crazy and out of control! You deserve to be beaten, stoned, tortured. You deserve to be exposed and laid bare for all the world to see. You deserve to be reviled. You deserve to be seen as the disgusting, weak, pervert that you are! And don’t think that you are getting away with anything help-meet… Don’t think I don’t see you in the dark cowering…hiding in his shadow! You are just the same! You are just as bad! Do you think that not helping – that just watching and being the silent partner absolves you of guilt?!? Do you think your hands are any less dirty?! I am here to tell you, you are just as vile! You are just as poisonous! You are GUILTY!! I am DONE feeling crazy because of your choices! I am done twisting myself in knots trying to make sense of your lies! I am not crazy! It was not my fault ~ It is never a child’s fault for being abused and not having anyone to stand up for them! I am done taking the blame for the damage you caused! I am not playing this game anymore! You are nothing and you don’t get a say-so any more!
Some days I am afraid that my grief will consume me. I fear that I may never recover from this pain. I keep trying to be normal… (whatever that means) but all I manage to do is to kill my heart – and hurt the heart I most desire to bring pleasure to. I keep striving for some sense of … what?… peace? healing? wholeness? normalcy? I don’t know. I just know I am in so much pain… every day… My heart feels like it is a mangled, half-dead thing, barely beating in my breast. I don’t know exactly how to feel all of this. I don’t know how to be in this much pain. I don’t know how to be this broken. I do know that I am tired of trying to be whole. I am tired of trying to be a girl who knows happiness. I was raped. I was abused. I was ignored. I was hurt. I was molested. I was made to feel as though I was garbage and that I did not matter at all. This does not define me. It was not my fault. I do not need to apologize for these things, and I deserve to feel. I deserve to feel the weight of my past without feeling like I am making the people around me uncomfortable. My pain does not make me a bad person. My flash-backs do not make me crazy. My fear does not have to consume me. I am not what I survived. My past matters. The defense mechanisms that I developed to survive deserve to be honored – but they are no longer needed. I am safe now and I will never be back where I was. I am worth grieving. This will not last forever. One day I will breathe again.
Haunted by memories I grasp for you and quickly push you away.
I cannot stomach this closeness yet I desire your touch – crave it – NEED it…
Fear arises as the brush of your hand resurrects ghosts thought long exorcised…
My body trembles, haunted by the abuse that still lives in my skin and in my breast, beating like a second heart.
It is chaos here… shouts, whispers, whimpers, cries…
Locked in the asylum of my mind.
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
captivatingbitter 