Tag Archive: therapy


What you desired to destroy….

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
October 1, 2025

When I was held down,

Helpless in that dark place

Abused…

Tormented…

Yearning to be free

Only to feel shackled anew daily

Unable to think or

Dream of a future

Enveloped in despair

Shaking in fear, anger, loneliness… still

I hoped… I yearned… longed for 

Release, rescue…seeking

Escape in the wrong hands

Desperate for safety…

Telling myself all the same 

Old lies, whispering

Destruction to my own heart

Even while yearning for 

Salvation.

Tired of living in chains

Relying on my

Own strength… a lie… only

Your strength can free me… can

Make me new.  I struggle

Even now… but change is on the way…

Hope will not be denied

Eternity is housed in the faintest

Whisper of His voice.

I am nothing… but Him? He is

Love, Passion, Power… Freedom

Lies in His embrace… He will

Make me new… In Him

Alone lies the answer… and I 

Know He will provide.

Even though I fail, even though I 

Stumble… even in my shame I won’t stop

Trying to move forward

Reaching out for the Throne of Grace. 

Only then will I be free,

New in heart, mind and soul

Given a new heart

A new name

Named HIS for eternity, my

Desires met in HIM 

Bowing before the throne of 

Eternity, humbly loved, forever

Amazed by HIS beauty and grace

Unable to imageine or ever again

Think of a life without love…

Immediately and irrevocably

Forever changed….

Undone and remade by 

Love HIMSELF….Jesus Christ

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Walk in the Woods

Filed under: Photography — Leave a comment
September 30, 2025

It has been far too long since I went on a hike with my camera. My life had become such that it was rare for me to find joy in anything at all, let alone my hobbies…and peace was so far away that I forgot what it felt like… It has been a tumultuous few years and now I find myself embraced by peace again… and that longing to delve into the wonder of nature….even if it is as simple as a walk in the woods near my home…

I love finding trees like this, all covered in mushrooms…
I love that sense of wonder when gazing toward the sky in the woods… surrounded in shadows… feels like home
I love that the longer you stare at these the more colors you see… absolutely humble and beautiful…
Another example… so beautiful for such a humble subject.
Finally, there is this little jewel… In a world of brown and green, this little gem shines with shades of citrine and garnet.
Especially when the sun shines through her legs…

This hike was exactly what my soul needed… I can’t wait to share with you what I find on my next hike.

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Fading day

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September 28, 2025

I am watching the day die slowly

As the cicadas and frogs

Begin to sing loudly

Drowning out the sounds

Of the city around me

And the light fades to 

Gold, then gray…

Enriching the colors 

Then draining them…

I feel the heat of the

Fading day against 

My skin…somehow

Comforting and not

Oppressing despite the 

Lack of a breeze.

I feel so alone, yet

Somehow not lonely,

My mind reaching 

Into the silence, searching

For You….Hoping to find 

Myself… at last.

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Adrift in Joy

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
September 27, 2025

I have found such unexpected joy lately. I am not ready to get into it yet…but it has been a very long time since I felt beautiful, since I felt joyous, since I felt like I had something to offer. I have had someone walk back into my life recently that reminded me who I was… and who I can and will be again.. Such an unexpected joy. I feel powerful and passionate and alive and beautiful and full of potential. I am awash in my hobbies and pleasures and passions and interests… I feel like I am coming back to life. This person has showered me in compliments, in passion, in adoration, in teasing and humor and has brought me back to myself… the me I was years ago… I left myself behind so long ago that I was lost in my pain and anger and confusion and I forgot who I was. I forgot who I was created to be. I am starting to remember. I am coming alive again… adrift and awash in Joy… finding a love I thought I had lost… finding the me I thought I had lost… Thank you my dear, wonderful, unexpected love… thank you for bringing me back to life.

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The Quiet One

Filed under: Poetry — 1 Comment
September 23, 2025

She sat quietly in class

Never hearing a word-

Her mind screaming,

Racing, ravaging her thoughts…

She sat calmly, pen in hand;

Honor student….horror filled

And anguished.

Automatically, she made conversation…

She passed tests

She chatted with friends

And longed to die

To escape this pain…

She sat quietly in church

Longing for salvation

Imprisoned by religion

Preached at by her tormentors

Looking for horns

Disguised as halos.

She sat quietly at home

And smiled at the monsters

While cutting the pain 

Of her soul out of her skin…

Watching the blood ooze and

Drip…with dry eyes

And emotionless face

Hiding the raging terror

In her heart.

She sat quietly in the therapist’s chair

Giving reassurances to the one

Who was supposed to help – 

Praying they see 

Behind her stillness

To the utter turmoil within

Not trusting anyone or anything…

Somehow comforting them

For her pain

And living with the hopelessness

That almost felt like a friend.

She stood quietly in the bathroom…

Staring at her calm face

Unwilling to meet her own gaze,

Unable to keep avoiding the horror…

The pain ravaging her from inside

And without warning-

Almost in slow motion

The avalanche began…

All the silence broke

The tears came in a torrent,

The rage, the pain…

The still, quiet girl is gone

Replaced with a woman

With a face full of anguish

Unable to sit quietly any longer – 

Not willing to still her face

For the comfort of strangers

Haunted and crumbling

Shattered

Shuttering violently with each 

Invasive

Intrusive

Memory.

Stumbling and falling

All along the path

To be whole.

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Been a while…

Filed under: Random — 1 Comment
October 27, 2018

Some days I feel like I don’t exist anymore… and in some ways I suppose I don’t.  I am not the girl I was  years ago… I am not the woman I was a few months ago.  I am changing all the time.  For the longest time I fought that tooth and nail…I thought that was a bad thing.  I thought that changing meant I was losing a piece of myself ~or worse ~ all of myself.  I thought I would not be me anymore.  Turns out – I wasn’t.  But that is ok.  I began this blog to journal my healing journey.  I have been runnin’ a lot lately.  I have been hidin’.  I have been sneakin’ around hidin’ behind syntax and proper grammar.  I have been flowerin’ up my language and tryin’ to be proper.  Truth is, I am so angry.  I am so dang mad I could scream…and have!  I have screamed, cried, prayed… I have felt lost and confused and abandoned.  I have felt needy and weak.   It feels like the deeper I dig the more junk I find and I feel like I will never be ‘done’.  Like I will always find more junk to dig out and toss away.  My current list – well, it’s loooong – but I am working on it.

I found someone in my family decided to throw away a 20 year marriage, he has just thrown it away and utterly failed his wife and son.  He has been cruel and abusive and I am so disappointed in him.  He hurls insults and he is so hateful.  I doubt I would even recognize him anymore.  Not that we are close.  Those days are long over.

I am still working on my trauma therapy, having been beaten, raped, molested, abused…I just want to live, you know?  To really live.  I find myself tiptoeing around – literally.  I find myself trying to make myself small and not to be a bother.  I find myself waiting on the pain to rain down on me.  It is killing me.  It is killing my marriage.  My husband married me, but got this docile, hiding, timid woman instead.  I don’t even know who I am some days.

I am … well, not thriving… but hoping to thrive.  I am tired of living on bread and water when there is steak and wine.  I am ready to have my heart feast instead of hide.  I want to swim in the ocean of emotion … swim, and possibly, drown.  But I am ok with that.  I don’t want control anymore.  I want to be lost.DSC_0167

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Not okay

Filed under: Random — Leave a comment
October 13, 2017

I am so not okay… I am not going to be okay any time soon.  I am broken and lost and hurt and angry… I am lost and confused… I am so very tired… Did I say “fine” when you asked how I was… ?  Don’t worry… I just don’t know how to say how I am.  I am… not okay.  I am… so very… so profoundly broken.  

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Feelings

Filed under: Random — 2 Comments
October 8, 2017

I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb.  I feel so awkward most of the time.  I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant.  My heart hurts.   I am so tired and so broken.  I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times.  I feel at war.  At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity.  I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair.  I fear I will drown in it.  I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are.  Pieces of me.  Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain.  I ache.  I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…  

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Failure

Filed under: Healing, Random — 1 Comment
September 3, 2017

I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions…  I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them.  I have hidden from my heart for so long…  I have felt like a chameleon.  I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself.  I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself.   How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me?  What do I do if I never figure out who I am?  I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid.  I feel like I lost this fight today….   Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment…  I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin.  I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war.  I can do this.  I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice.  I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now.  No more running away!  I will FIGHT!  I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.

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Emotions

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
August 30, 2017

I feel so much… My heart quakes within me.  I feel so overwhelmed and afraid…I feel so sad and angry… I feel so much love and longing… I feel like I am going to either explode or fall apart… I feel like I am never going to stop crying… but then I will suddenly feel like laughing… I feel like yelling, raging, tearing things…I feel like screaming… I feel so very lost.

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