I hate this feeling… this vague uneasy feeling that something is wrong. I got in a slight accident yesterday and clipped a garbage can knocking my passenger mirror through my passenger side window… there was a loud bang and an explosion of glass flew through the car. It was terrifying… it was dark and foggy and I did not see the garbage can hanging out into the road. Now I cannot shake this. I feel paranoid and worried and really uneasy. It’s ridiculous… All evening with my husband at home I have felt like he was mad at me or unhappy with me… and he’s not – we talked things out and he’s very warm and understanding – it’s just me. I feel like the bottom is about to fall out. I know this is just the accident and the dust will settle soon… but in the mean-time I really want to get back to normal. I hate feeling so raw and vulnerable.
Tag Archive: therapy
My favorite local kayaking place is Banks Lake in Lakeland, GA. The view is breathtaking and the weather was absolutely perfect today – it was clear and cool and windy. I’m already ready to go again.
I hate days like this… I feel twitchy after spending the last 2 days pulling weeds in my gardens and having bugs crawl all over me… I still feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I know I should be used to this by now and I know bugs are no big deal, really, but I still cannot help the way I react. I try so hard to play it cool and to stay calm. I have these huge spiders in my flower beds and when you startle them they run toward you – not away from you. It freaks me out. Not to mention the beetles, ants and roaches that live in the taller weeds and thick grasses that I have to deal with. I hate this feeling… everything that touches me makes me flinch. I’m so jumpy. I think I will just sit calmly the rest of the day and sip tea and watch Netflix.
Taken summer 2013 in my front yard on my Passion Flower Vine
I took a hike on Sunday at Okefenokee Swamp (Stephen C. Foster State Park) and it was a beautiful day!
I have never seen a Swallow-tailed Kite in person before and I have always wanted to see one… This one was breath-taking!
I saw this Millipede on the tree and it was just perfectly situated!! I was surprised to see a smiling tree… I have to say this was my favorite shot of the day…
This little Wren was hard to catch… he moved so quickly I could only get one good photo out of several that I took… but my persistence was well worth it… I think he is beautiful!
This large orb weaver/banana spider was right off the trail and he was huge! I think these are beautiful spiders.
These White-tailed Deer are so beautiful. There were 3-4 right along the trail and they were polite enough to sit still and let me photograph them.
And last but not least – it would not be a good swamp hike without a good photo of an Alligator. This one was a real beauty… and an opportunist! He was trying to steal fish from the fishermen along the bank.
I have been enjoying painting lately, I find it very restful and therapeutic. With so much in the world and in my life that is ugly, hurtful or mean I find that creating little spots of beauty bring peace to me…
I love how rainbows make me feel….. Every time I look at them I feel a surge of hope. Their beauty is ethereal and fleeting but the impression they leave on my heart is deep and permanent.
OK – well that’s a rather lighthearted title but this is a heavy post… I have unearthed new memories… very vivid ones and they are terrifying me. I feel like I am losing my mind and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings that threaten to drown me.
***Disclaimer: this may be triggering to some – read with caution***
Here’s what I remember:
I am young (Don’t know what age, exactly) and I am being forced face down onto a soft surface (bed? couch?…) and I am wearing a dress and my panties have been pulled down and I am being raped from behind and I am beyond terror and the weight of the man on top of me pressing me down makes it impossible to breathe…
I feel my heart start to race and my insides twist just remembering this and writing it down feels dangerous… like he’s going to read this and know it’s me and come after me (even though I have protected myself with anonymity in this blog) I am so afraid sometimes. I hear a car door outside and jump and my heart will pound and I’ll have to calm myself down and remind myself that he is not coming after me. Some days I wonder how long will I carry this… and when will the remembering be over finally? I thought I was done with that part and I have made peace with the gaping holes in my memory… but they are determined to surface. I pray this is the last of them. I am ready for this chapter to close and the healing chapter to be in full swing. I know I have made lots of progress and I am proud of the work I have done to get this far. I have worked so very hard to be where I am and I do not want to dismiss that with my desire to be all the way better… and I also do not want to be content here… I know there is more out there for me and I desire and deserve all the wonderful things ahead of me.
captivatingbitter 