I have a love/hate relationship with self-help/personal-growth books… On the one hand it is helpful and gratifying to know that it is possible to make it through the darkness and thrive on the other side of it all… on the other none of them really give you the view from the pit. It’s ugly here and no-one wants to look at it. Many of them give the briefest of descriptions of the ‘dark days’ and then focus on their steps/ideas/practices that got them out of the mess they were in. I want to see the pit… did life feel as despairing & hopeless to them as it does to me most days? Were they breathing in and out through lungs filled with un-heard screams? Was the pit every bit as deep and dark and ugly as it feels to me today? I would like to know the view from the pit… Then I can feel better about my chances of making it out alive.
Tag Archive: therapy
I went back to my home-town not too long ago. There is a church there called Hopewell Baptist Church that is very old and no longer active – but the families of the original congregation still get together once a year and celebrate home-coming. Since I am a bit estranged from my family I chose to go at a time when I knew it would be abandoned. There is a cemetery there where some of my family is buried. I love to walk among the graves and touch the tombstones and commune with the people I miss so much.

The person I miss the most is my grandmother. Ever since she died I have felt like a part of my heart is missing. She was the one person who always saw me. She never made me feel invisible or inconvenient. She always made me feel special and seen and heard. She did not know all of the horrible things I was going through and scarcely a day goes by that I don’t wish I could have told her. I wish I could sit down with her now with a cup of tea and tell her all about it. I love her and I miss her so very much.
I am fascinated by how people choose to remember their loved ones… I saw these while walking on a boardwalk at Falling Creek Falls…
Seeing these made me wonder how I could honor and remember… and I decided to let my photographs speak for themselves… I hope you enjoy them – there is nothing that I could say about them without sounding trite… these photos are my memorial… Friends of Hopewell, I pray you feel my deep love and kinship in these photos… my thoughts are with you…
I turned 35 today… Well… as it is after midnight I guess I turned 35 yesterday, technically. I spent the day alone apart for a one hour supervised visit with my husband. I miss him so much and I am ready for him to be home with me. Usually we have a huge birthday celebration… I started the tradition when we started dating – I would celebrate my husband’s birthday for the entire week — I gave him a gift every day for the week leading up to his birthday and then had a big gift, balloons, cake, etc on his birthday. Now it is what we do for each other every year.. He went into the hospital on Wednesday and today was the first time I’ve been able to see him since. Looks like he won’t get out until Monday at the earliest. I love him so much and I feel so lost with him away. I cannot stand not being able to see him or talk to him whenever I want… He wants to come home so badly and I want him here with me.
I don’t know what to do… my husband called me again this morning begging me to get him out of the hospital and I have spoken to crisis counsellors, the hospital, different facilities, my insurance and no one can help me… I get the same answer – Only the doctor can release him… I can’t even see him until tomorrow at 5:30….I feel so helpless. I want to go get him and bring him home… I wat to take care of him and I can’t help him. I don’t know what to do and I am so afraid…




















