I am going to be ok… I have been working so hard and making so much progress. I am excited about my future for the first time in as long as I can remember. I feel so full of hope and promise. I feel like I’m getting the hang of things. I know what I want and I know what I need to do with my life. It’s a nice feeling – I know I don’t have everything together – but I know I will be happy one day. Strange, this feeling of hope. I think I’ll just enjoy it for once.
I feel like I am in the fight of my life. I am up against so much. Not only am I still coming to terms with my past abuse, I am trying to break my present cycle of self-abuse. I was feeling all proud of myself thinking I had come so far… and to be fair I have made a lot of progress – but I have a daunting amount of work ahead of me. I am nearly crippled by this. I don’t know how to be real. I am really good at faking it. I look great on paper – happily married, good career, room for growth and promotion in my field, 2 college degrees, a savings account, pets, friends… We own our home and cook meals way more than we eat out… we hike when we can on weekends and try to play tennis once a month… The reality is we don’t have it together. I don’t have it together. I don’t even know where “it” is to get it together. I have no idea where to start. I’m reading books, doing my devotions, listening to Christian music, going to therapy and yet “it” eludes me.
I don’t want to go through the motions, I want to live. I am fighting to live – to breathe – to have a thought or opinion I don’t feel I have to apologize for. I am sick to death of being sorry all the time! What am I sorry for, existing? breathing? being? I have no idea… I just feel perpetually apologetic and frankly pathetic! This is not me… every fiber of my being screams and rails against this shell of a person I have become. I have to defeat her. She may have served a purpose at one time but those days are long gone and now instead of helping me she is slowly undermining me – turning me into a mindless, whimpering drone. I am not this woman. I am passionate and alive. I am angry and strong and am not going to put up with this any more! I am fierce and loving and loyal and I get what I want because I fight for it. I am not this mousey, lay down and die disguise I have been wearing… I am not this afraid to look you in the eyes broken down woman who I have been pretending to be lately.
I am putting on my armor – I am sharpening my weapons – I am stoking this furnace and I will burn off this shell in a wash of heat and light and hope. I will find myself again and I will not be burdened by all of this fear any longer. I deserve better. I am worth fighting for and if any one is going to fight for me I had better start the battle. I am loved, I am fiercely guarded, I am cherished, I am Captivating. I will defeat these shackles and melt away these chains and I will rise up. I am an amazing woman. I am strong. You haven’t seen anything yet.
Little girl, pigtails and blue-jeans
all muddy and smiling so big!
I love to watch you fling out your arms
and twirl in the sunshine. You see
the world through uniqe eyes that
accept with blind faith the beauty
and wildness of the world was created for you.
You know instinctively that joy is
your reason for being. You take delight
everywhere you find it and accept
without question that happiness is yours.
Perhaps I will come twirl with you today –
and you can show me the world through your eyes.
There’s something out there that is calling to me.
I hear the voice clearly – haunting – chilling-alluring.
I long to follow… but I am so afraid.
It whispers, teases, shouts – and still I stand-
frozen and impotent.
When I break free of this I will run blindly
into that tantalizing music of freedom
and find my laughter waiting for me there.
…so tired of feeling like I can never tell the truth…
…so tired of holding back most of what I think and feel…
…so tired of protecting everyone from myself…
Please let me be free.
Please love me for who I am, not who you expect me to be.
I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations. It waits there, lurks… longs to be released. This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth. I could destroy you with my truth. I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it). My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death.
I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.
My husband has coined the phrase wild goodness to describe things that are good in a major way… sometimes even in a dangerous way… like a walk in a storm, sex on the beach in the middle of the day, a large sum of unexpected money… something that touches you on a primal level and speaks to the goodness and wildness that is God’s love for us. We try so hard to fit God into a box, to make him fit within parameters that are comfortable to us and when He doesn’t fit we get discouraged, frustrated and afraid. I know I do. I want God to be predictable and stable and quiet and unobtrusive; but I am glad He is not those things. Deep down, I am glad He is wild and dangerous and good in ways that are beyond my comprehension. I am glad He is a God of Passion, a God of fierceness, a God of untold beauty and strength… a God of storms and sex and roller-coasters… a God of music and art… of lovers and warriors and dancers… a God of grace and peace… I want to live a life of wild goodness… of abandon. God help me to see You as You are.
I hear the rumbling in the distance and it calls to me…
Secrets whisper, then shout to be heard
Wind caresses – then punishes…
So turbulent… so peaceful.
I long to enter the storm and disappear.
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not ok… all I can think is I am so broken and ruined and worthless.. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I think I am going crazy! I can’t get my thoughts together. Please help me…
Strange how when you hold me tight it doesn’t feel invasive and confining anymore.
Strange how quiet and peaceful I feel with you here with me.
Strange how I look toward the future with hope and not doubt or fear.
Strange how your love has changed me.
captivatingbitter 