I’ve tossed and turned for hours and I’m about ready to give up on sleep. Night sweats and hot flashes are not conducive to good rest and I feel so wound up and disoriented from this desperate need to rest that I don’t know that I am really capable of coherent thought at the moment. My thoughts race on some Silent-Hill-esque distorted merry-go-round on which the horses are darkly demonic with red eyes and flaming nostrils… rotting flesh and exposed bone… where the calliope is just off-key and so discordant and loud it sets your teeth on edge. This dark carnival of my mind… this sea of faces… I don’t know what to do with it all… here a leering clown, terrifying and somehow familiar under the painted face… there a carnival barker pedaling wares in a voice that triggers unwanted memories and me racing down the freeway trying to escape all of it…. I don’t want these thoughts, memories, fears, doubts and emotions washing over me like a flood tide. I fear I may drown in this. Please, God, don’t let me drown…
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I’m having one of those days… one of those days where my heart won’t stop pounding and I can scarcely breathe. My ears are ringing and I hate this feeling. Every little thing is getting under my skin. I feel defensive and easily offended… I feel like a bundle of raw nerve endings. Does this ever go away? Will there ever be a time when I experience my very last panic attack? Will I ever live day after day with no heart-pounding, chest-tightening, jumping at every sound, sweaty palms, can’t breathe intrusions into my psyche?? I don’t even know how to imagine this kind of life. How do I imagine being at home in my own skin? What would it feel like to be at rest in myself? What must it be like to simply sit down and read a good book? To get lost in music? To enjoy a cup of tea or a hot shower without feeling pressure to get up and pace, clean, fidget?? How do I get to the point where I can rest without feeling guilty? How do I kick this voice out of my head that tells me continually that I am not good enough, that I am lazy, that I am not doing enough and what I am doing I am not doing right? Perfection does not equal happiness… Part of me believes once I understand this I may find peace.
I thought this was lovely and dark and I thought I would share it with you… I love reading good prose that is not afraid to get in touch with anger/pain/longing…
crimson lines ran like feral runners across the sun-kissed terrain. Eyes wide with boiling terror screamed for pardon. pardon not for sin but for one more precious moment to live. strong hands held firm while the metallic judge toyed with the mouse. the mouse was once a wolf. stalking prey it feasted on frenzy and helplessness. the cries of the lambs only heightened the dark rooms of eros. feasting with relish upon the cries that only his ears would ever hear. hate for all that is holy fed the appetite of his pagan lust. the cries of the lamb didn’t satisfy anymore and in darkened corridors haunted by dead dreams he envisioned new ways of torment for his victims. a lust to possess even the soul of his prey drove his madness. nothing sacred existed anymore to the lamb. all was defiled with obsessive delight.
drip. drip. drip. the pitter…
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I am working through this book right now – Healing your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame. It’s a very good book… I have read about half the book so far and the section I am on right now is dealing with Identifying and Disengaging from our Inner Critic. Some of the phrases Ms. Engel suggests to use (out loud) with your inner critic are the following:
*Shut up!
*Stop it!
*This is poison. Stop it!
*Get off my back!
*This is garbage!
*These are lies.
*These are the same lies my mother/father told me.
*I don’t believe you.
*No more put-downs!
If you are anything like me your inner voice gives a running commentary on every thing you do or fail to do… I know my inner critic has been particularly vociferous of late. I am working to silence those voices that tell me that everything I do is wrong and the thoughts I think are stupid. It’s a long road and I find that the voices are loudest when my anxiety is running the most rampant. Today is a bad day. I must admit, I’m about a 6 on my Levels of Not Okayness and it feels like a struggle just trying to feel at home in my own skin. But all of that aside, I am determined to use the tools I have been given and call on the strength I know I have in side and I WILL overcome this. I am more than my failings and I am not what has been done to me. I am strong and smart and determined to get through this. I will find that inner integrity and I will cling to it like a life raft… I am not crazy or weak… I am enough and I can do this.
Heart torn –
yet not given
the precious gift of death…
I can only breathe in..and out…
waiting…
It’s nice how comforting pets can be when you are sad… I was curled up on the couch in a funk when my two cats insisted on lots of attention… they were so cute and earnest that I could not help but snap a few photos…
I struggle with depression and anxiety and I am grateful for anything that helps me feel better. I get so lonely sometimes, feeling trapped inside my own head with all my doubts, fears and racing thoughts.
I took a short hike yesterday at a swamp board-walk called Grand Bay. I thought I would share some photos with you. I hope you enjoy them.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore —
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over —
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
~Langston Hughes
I love the delicate poppies… they look so whimsical and fragile. I love the way they sway in the slightest breeze. I hope you enjoy this photo… It makes me feel happy every time I look at them. 
I took a walk down the road today. The weather was perfect and I snapped a hand-full of photos…I thought I would share them with you.
I fell in love with these beautiful colors…
This green is a lovely shocking contrast to the winter browns around here…
The sky was so beautiful…I love crisp cool winter days… It’s nice to live down a dirt road… I love the peace and quiet out here in the country…
captivatingbitter 