The Dream:
I am spending time with my uncle, Eddie, and his 3 daughters. We’re at my parent’s house listening to some Southern Gospel music and debating on the merits of the old Southern Gospel music vs modern Christian Rock.. We’re all laughing, teasing and so happy. We’re flipping through CD’s and my MP3 player playlist… It’s a good day and I feel so safe and loved.
So what makes this a nightmare?
My uncle is a rapist and a child molester and in my dream I don’t know this… in my dream I haven’t remembered what he has done to me and I don’t yet know what he is doing to his beautiful daughters.
The part of me that is always me (no matter what I am dreaming) is terrified and screaming at the dream me to get out of there ! I hate that I can feel so safe and terrified, so innocent and soiled all at the same time. Most of all I hate how much this dream has set me back. I hate how vulnerable I suddenly feel. I hate how I can barely accept touch. I hate how I want to hide away and not face all of this. I hate the temptation to morph back into that robot of a woman and pretend that everything is fine even though I can barely breathe.
So what’s the plan? I am going to breathe in and out. I am going to face my fears. I am going to feel this and not be a coward or a zombie. I am going to admit that I have been hurt – terribly – and it is ok to be afraid for a while. I am going to allow my husband to comfort me and allow myself some room to be vulnerable. But most importantly, I am going to go through this. No short-cuts or detours. Because that is the only way I am ever really going to find peace.
captivatingbitter 