Tag Archive: healing


Therapy Letter #2 – To my parents

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 16, 2012

Dear Mom & Dad,

     I am so disappointed in you.  I will never understand the way you treated me.  Why didn’t I matter to you?  Why, when you found out I was molested, was your first thought about how you could protect your reputations and not about how you should/could have protected me?  How can you play nice with and spend time with family that treated their daughters like human sacrifices?  Why was it so hard for you to love me?  Mark loves me and he says I am easy to love – so why is it so hard for you?  Why couldn’t you see me?  Was I invisible?  Was I too much?  You always made me feel like I was too much – like loving me would just overload you somehow.  Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you?  Why did you turn on me?  How was it my fault that Eddie raped me and his daughters?  It wasn’t my fault, it was never my fault!  How dare you blame me!  It is so unfair.  you should never have had me – you didn’t want a daughter – you wanted another notch in your belt… another blessing to claim… some other piece of evidence to prove you were a man & woman of God.  You wanted a trophy not a child.  You treated me like a display and when I wasn’t ‘pretty’ when I didn’t display just right you didn’t want me anymore.  You would rather think I was possessed by the devil than to think I didn’t believe like you anymore.  You would rather count me among the lost souls than to consider you may be wrong in you beliefs and there may be more to life and to God than wrath and anger.  It isn’t my fault you  don’t know me (or God.)  It’s yours.  you had plenty of chances to know me and you didn’t bother.  I am worth it.  I don’t deserve your criticism our your disdain.  you don’t know me because you don’t think I am worth it…well, you’re missing out.  I am worth it…I am a good woman.  I am smart, beautiful and loving.  I love God with all my heart and I serve Him.  I love my husband and I am a wife to be proud of.   Being raped by Eddie was not my fault – it was yours and you are not worthy to be parents. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault. 

It was not my fault.  It was not my fault.

It will never be my fault.

Love,

No Longer Damaged Goods

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Therapy Letter #1 – to Eddie

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
March 8, 2012

Dear Eddie:

How dare you!  I don’t know what’s wrong with you!  Who would do that to a child?  What kind of sick pervert  would touch a child like that?!?  You are a monster and you don’t deserve to live.  I wish you had never been born.  You are disgusting!  It is never ok to force sex on a child.  Children are not sexually attractive.  You diseased, filth-ridden, deplorable man!  You should suffer for what you did to me, to all of us.  You should be tortured slowly over years for the pain you inflicted on us.  You are not a follower of Christ!  You should never pretend to be…. all those years of preaching while raping little girls… you are disgusting, filthy and an abomination to humanity.  You should not call yourslef a man – that is an insult to masculinity.  True men protect those they love – they do not torture them.  True men do not use their strength to coerce – they use it to liberate.   You do not even deserve to be called human – none of what you did to us was humane.  I hope you rot in prison – know that you belong there!

Sincerely,

No Longer Damaged Goods

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The Windy Day

Filed under: Healing — 3 Comments
February 15, 2012

I went kayaking with some friends on Saturday.  It was blustery and cold and perfect.  We went out to Reed Bingham State Park.  It was gorgeous!  We paddled up river for about 2 hours then turned around and came back.  I love the feeling of being out on the water –  maneuvering between cypress knees and through shallow bogs and narrow passages.  I love the feeling that something unknown and wonderful could await just around the next bend.  I love the beautiful hush of the river passing through the deep woods.  There’s something profoundly healing about being out in nature…something that, as author John Eldridge wrote, let’s you know there is room for your soul.  Every time I get out on a garden path or hike a trail or kayak a river I can fill my chest expand…can feel as though I have room to breathe – to belong.  I’ve decide to do this more often… I am not going to wait until I am so stressed out i can barely function to do something healing and nice for myself.   I am going to have a standing appointment with myself to go out and have a good time…t o surround myself with something beautiful and give myself permission to be…

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Hope

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
January 30, 2012

I am going to be ok… I have been working so hard and making so much progress.  I am excited about my future for the first time in as long as I can remember.   I feel so full of hope and promise.  I feel like I’m getting the hang of things.  I know what I want and I know what I need to do with my life.  It’s a nice feeling – I know I don’t have everything together – but I know I will be happy one day.   Strange, this feeling of hope.  I think I’ll just enjoy it for once.

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Little Girl Blue

Filed under: Poetry — Leave a comment
December 25, 2011

Little girl, pigtails and blue-jeans

all muddy and smiling so big!

I love to watch you fling out your arms

and twirl in the sunshine. You see

the world through uniqe eyes that

accept with blind faith the beauty

and wildness of the world was created for you.

You know instinctively that  joy is

your reason for being.  You take delight

everywhere you find it and accept

without question that happiness is yours.

Perhaps I will come twirl with you today –

and you can show me the world through your eyes.

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Father’s Day

Filed under: Healing — 2 Comments
December 24, 2011

Father’s Day came and went this year like every year before it – full of conflicting emotions and empty of truth.  What has ‘father’ meant to me?  Why should I celebrate a day for him?  I’m so confused.  ‘Father’ has been ‘tyrant’, ‘teacher’, diciplinarian’, ‘grouch’,’hateful’…’father’ has also been ‘fun’, ‘companion’, ‘playmate’ and ‘preacher’.    The trouble for me is there are too many faces, none of them consistant… few of them friendly.  One good day is supposed to erase months of yelling, insults, fear and humiliation.  One day spent laughing together is supposed to make me forget being ruled with an iron fist and a sarcastic sneer.  Daddy, I forgive you… I just can’t be the sacrificial lamb anymore… you may find me more lion than you remember me…

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Conversation?

Filed under: Poetry — 3 Comments
November 12, 2011

I watch your Judas lips drip poison

and I smile in polite fascination

pretending to agree.

I nod in the right places,

I make eye contact, I hope

my disgust is well hidden.

I can’t seem to follow this thread

this back and forth

this friendly banter.

I am not sure how this is

supposed to work… this friendship

this conversation. 

I am lost in a sea of political correctness

and cannot convey the thoughts

simmering beneath my surface.

I allow you to lie in my face

and thank you for your

endless unabashed betrayals.

I don’t know why I protect

you from me.  I owe

you nothing.  Nothing!

Yet you take from me…

day after day you diminish me –

rendering me irrelevant.

I will not die here – buried

under the avalanche of

your words…your indifference.

I will shake this off and

find re-birth in the flame

of your disapproval.

 

 

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Siren

Filed under: Healing, Poetry — Leave a comment
October 15, 2011

There’s something out there that is calling to me. 

I hear the voice clearly – haunting – chilling-alluring.

I long to follow… but I am so afraid.

It whispers, teases, shouts – and still I stand-

frozen and impotent.

When I break free of this I will run blindly

into that tantalizing music of freedom

and find my laughter waiting for me there.

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Just Beneath the Surface

Filed under: Healing — 1 Comment
August 13, 2011

 

I can feel the truth just beneath the surface of all my conversations.  It waits there, lurks… longs to be released.  This truth is a powerful, angry thing… all muscle and sinew… all teeth and scales – like a great dragon – pacing and gnashing its teeth.  I could destroy you with my truth.  I feel the power of it and know that it would pierce your armor (even if you do not show it).  My truth lies in wait… languid and appearing lazy below these calm waters… beautiful and deadly… waiting to pull you to your death. 

I have had it caged so long I have forgotten how to let it out from time to time… I fear it will break free from its prison – that it will escape and destroy you before I can contain it.

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Wild Goodness

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August 9, 2011

My husband has coined the phrase wild goodness to describe things that are good in a major way… sometimes even in a dangerous way… like a walk in a storm, sex on the beach in the middle of the day, a large sum of unexpected money… something that touches you on a primal level and speaks to the goodness and wildness that is God’s love for us.   We try so hard to fit God into a box, to make him fit within parameters that are comfortable to us and when He doesn’t fit we get discouraged, frustrated and afraid.   I know I do.  I want God to be predictable and stable and quiet and unobtrusive; but I am glad He is not those things.  Deep down, I am glad He is wild and dangerous and good in ways that are beyond my comprehension.  I am glad He is a God of Passion, a God of fierceness, a God of untold beauty and strength… a God of storms and sex and roller-coasters… a God of music and art… of lovers and warriors and dancers… a God of grace and peace…  I want to live a life of wild goodness… of abandon.  God help me to see You as You are.

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